Mr Chuckles

Chuckle 2856

2012-01-28T07:44:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2856)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Irish Ballerina~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2855

2012-01-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2855)
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A LIFE LESSON! ~ (Second time around)

(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing or hunting instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing or hunting," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing/hunting and golf.”

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2854

2012-01-26T07:35:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2854)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks

~Blonde Trying to Help~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content.... As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a Blonde catches up... She jumps out of her car, runs up to his Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same Thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and Knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window... Again she says, "Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,

"Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.........."

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2853

2012-01-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2853)
(Nancy s of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Pecans In the Cemetery~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms)

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree, just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, ‘said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices coming from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “one for you, one for me...”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what i heard! Satan and the lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!” The man said, “Beat it kid; can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk? When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “one for you and one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy you’ve been telling me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the lord......?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the lord.

At last they heard, “one for you and one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2852

2012-01-24T08:24:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2852)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Irish Talking Clock~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet*.**

*What's that big brass gong? One of the guests asked. It’s not a gong it’s a
talking clock, the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his
astonished friend. YUP, it is. How's it work? The friend asked. Watch.
The drunk picked up the mallet, gave the gong an Ear-shattering pound
and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, YOU ASSHOLE!
IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2851

2012-01-22T08:16:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2851)
(Charlie in Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~The Meaning of the Dot ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms)

The Dot! FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2850

2012-01-21T08:15:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2850)
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Three Holy Men & a Bear~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard -
a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb... We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2849

2012-01-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2849)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~PHONE REPAIR~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone
company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and
that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right

before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone
pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with
a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when
the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning
and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus
causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems
CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

Chuckle 2848

2012-01-19T08:05:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2848)
(Phyllis S in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~AFLAC Scam~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones (all are appearing sweet and innocent), divert their 'mark' (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth--and the eldest-- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pocket or purse for any valuables.

Scroll down to see photo of how it works.

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2847

2012-01-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2847)
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Exercise for People over 60~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Adult Truths)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Gresham OR)

Chuckle 2846

2012-01-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2846)
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Sometimes I’d rent a plane and we’d all go see grandma.

Most of the things on this list were on TV taken while Sheila and her two sisters
were sitting on my lap with a big bucket of pop-corn. This was a daily
happening after I got home from work.

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

2012-01-15T07:34:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2845)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~ My Neighbor, Babe ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms

This is my neighbor, Babe.

She's single and lives right across the street. I can see her house from my family room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door and I rushed to open it.

She looks at me and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

Without missing a heartbeat I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

Man, it's no fun getting old!!!

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2844

2012-01-14T07:38:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2844)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Stars~ (Second time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘‘The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole the tent.'
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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2843

2012-01-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2843)

(Jep N of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Job Hunting~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms)

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2842

2012-01-12T08:08:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2842)
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K!!~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History,
Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A wife asks her husband to describe her since being married for fifty years. He looked at her slowly, then said "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

Naturally, she asks "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled so happily and then said "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He smiled and said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen, but it should get better.

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Chuckle 2841

2012-01-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2841)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~There Was a Sad Man~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Once Upon A Time, There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf. One day in deep despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on a ledge at the very top of a 20-story building, looking down. Suddenly he saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

Taken totally aback, Our Man started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. Down below there's a man with no arms at all! And he is skipping down the sidewalk, so happy! Going on with his life, making the best of a very bad & sad situation.

He backed away from the edge, ran to the elevator, hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he (the armless one) could carry on so happily with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. Our guy asked him, "Why are you so happy anyway?" The armless man replied, "Excuse Me All to Hell... I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Gresham OR)

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Well here we are at the end of this series… Sorry!

2012-01-10T07:55:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2840)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Pastor On His Death Bed ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for a Revenue Canada agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the Revenue Canada agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked: "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly: "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.”

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2839

2012-01-08T08:27:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2839)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~The Difference between Grandmothers & Grandfathers~ (Second time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and
Adult Truths )

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

Chuckle 2838

2012-01-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2838)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. ~ (Second time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle

2012-01-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2837)

(Nancy S of Sheridan WY. gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~False Teeth~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he just couldn’t stop talking...

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________________________________________________________

(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

____________________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Gresham OR)

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!

Chuckle 2835

2012-01-05T07:48:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2836)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Safe I.D. ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDewey
DonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:

"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long, and include at least one capital.

______________________________________________________

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_______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

(Chuckle 2835)

2012-01-04T07:51:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2835)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Cowboy Whisperer~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths.)

Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie"

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

____________________________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Chuckle 2834

2012-01-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2834)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR

~But Baby It’s Cold Outside~(Second time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

-Chuckle 2833

2012-01-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2833)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~BD Gifts~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

It all began with an iPhone... March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!! iHurt

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________________________________________________________

(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

__________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

Chuckle 2832

2011-12-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2832)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A Well-Planned Retirement~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40), £5 for busses (about $7). Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent... The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been
on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name.

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2831

2011-12-30T07:24:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2831)

(Charlie M from Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Three Contractors~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Kentucky."

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________________________________________________________

(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

______________________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Gresham OR)

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to it.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Chuckle 2830

2011-12-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2830)

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Good Comeback~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2829

2011-12-28T07:35:00.001-08:00

(Chuckle 2829)
(Willie of Sacramento CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Old Folks Home ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

I was taking a walk when I passed by the nursing home where there were six old ladies lying naked on the front lawn. I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it's a long walk and I wanted to get it over with before it got truly hot again today.

On my way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard. To quench my curiosity, I went inside and asked to speak to the director of the facility. When I asked him if he knew there were 6 naked old ladies lying on his front lawn, he replied, "Yes, I know. They're all retired prostitutes."

"Okay..." I said rather disbelievingly, "... And?"

"And they're having a yard sale!"

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________________________________________________________

(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

Chuckle 2828

2011-12-27T07:36:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2828)
(Phyllis S in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Health Alert~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Health Alert when you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle

2011-12-25T07:10:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2827)

(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year From Jerry (alias Mr. Chuckles)

~My Favorite Animal ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken...

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

Chuckle 2826

2011-12-24T07:31:00.001-08:00

(Chuckle 2826)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Drinking and Driving~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had the odd brush with the 'boys-in-blue' on our way home from the odd social session in years past.

Well, I have done something about it.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some of the girls and had a few too many gin and tonics as well as a few beers and some rather nice merlot.

But knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before.......... I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got the Bus!
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(Maxine from my own collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2825

2011-12-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2825)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Cedar Chest~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry, and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed, and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest. . . . ."

_______________________________________________________

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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

____________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting, if they told you how the person died.

Chuckle 2824

2011-12-22T08:08:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2824)

(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)
Knob

~The Knob~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

Firstly, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

__________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2823

2011-12-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2823)

Chuckle 824 (Taken from my archives; Sent out Oct 8 2005.
(Nadine in Carpinteria CA got that day's chuckle thanks!)

~The Pink Envelope~2nd time around.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." *** ________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_______________________________________
(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

Chuckle 2822

2011-12-20T08:08:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2822)
(Phyllis S in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A True Irish Ghost Story~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it’s true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the
horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other....

'Look Paddy...there’s that freakin' idiot that got in the car while we were pushing' it.'
_______________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

____________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2821

2011-12-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2821)
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Jack’s Buddy Bob~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

____________________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

Chuckle 2820

2011-12-17T08:07:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2820)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Donations~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2819

2011-12-16T08:00:00.001-08:00

(Chuckle 2819)
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

9mm Glock Pistol

~Afraid? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer : I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS . I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what she so afraid of was. She looked at me and said, "Not A damn thing."

Seniors - Don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

______________________________________________________

(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Chuckle 2818

2011-12-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2818)
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Husbands are husbands~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
_____________________________________________________

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2817

2011-12-14T08:08:00.001-08:00

(Chuckle 2817)
Phyllis in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~If My Body Was a Car~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that’s not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close My traction is not as graceful as it once was.. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather... My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here’s the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

This is the last of this series.

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

2011-12-13T08:14:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2816)
(Stevan S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Beautiful Lawyer Story~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even f or a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.”You'll really love my place. "The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you????

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_______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2815

2011-12-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2815)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

BRAVO!!!!! (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

It happened in a Metro station in Montreal........... There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of Canada. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young

(20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'

The elderly woman looked up at her and said, Honey, my father died during World War I, I lost my husband in World War II, I lost a son in Korea, and a grandson in Afghanistan.

All fought and died so you could have the freedom to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.'

................God Bless Canada!!!

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

___________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)
(ANSWER BELOW)

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

Chuckle 2814

2011-12-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2814)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first cruise - and I can't wait!

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

---------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He is really quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me that night, he would sink the ship........I was shocked.

----------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 2,600 lives.

Twice!!

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2813

2011-12-09T07:28:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2813)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Tyrone~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

A Methodist preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line. When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"

Tyrone answered, "I don't know, Man. It ain't 'til next week."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

__________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

Chuckle 2812

2011-12-08T08:18:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2812)
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Lazy Husband~ (Second time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Fine,

Then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right

To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so

Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break

I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps he says, does it look like I have home depot written on my forehead? I don't think so I’ve had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours...................................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried

Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

CHUCKLE 2811

2011-12-07T10:10:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2811)
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Wally's Wedding Night~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

Wally's Wedding Night at 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:

........
'You mean I've been here already?'

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis
of Pasadena CA)

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

2011-12-06T07:49:00.001-08:00

(Chuckle 2810
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Female Marine Captain~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corp Air Station) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour’s instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new ?Bitching Betty.? However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

(Chuckle 2809)

2011-12-04T08:21:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2809)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~The Talking Centipede~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,

(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_______________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of
Pasadena CA) Answer below.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

Chuckle 2808

2011-12-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2808)
(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA get today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Dorace & Jackie~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Jackie leaned over and said,

'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement...!'
_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2807

2011-12-02T08:02:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2807)
(Stevan S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~An Honest Mistake. ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ‘‘I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

Chuckle 2806

2011-12-01T08:07:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2806)
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Surgery !!!! ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Dear Family and Friends, Most of you know I went in for a small surgical procedure for a butt lift. I did not have the most pleasant of experiences. I wanted to show you how it turned out. Please, refrain from getting this procedure.

You will regret it!

Much Love,

Please see my photo below……

____________________________________________________

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(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2805

2011-11-30T08:15:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2805)
(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Road Trip~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

____________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

Answer below.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

Chuckle 2804

2011-11-29T07:52:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2804)
(Holly S of Chicago IL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Help Needed~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head.

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_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own X’mas collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2803

2011-11-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

Note; Sorry no Chuckles for awhile, Lora and I will be leaving tomorrow; Monday the 21st for a week to visit with family in Sacramento.

Chuckle 2803)
Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Scotch or Gin? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a nice bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box
of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger
and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted
another drop and asked, “Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

____________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_______________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself) (from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? Answer below

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

Chuckle 2802

2011-11-19T07:58:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2802)
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~From the Back Pew! ~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen.

Gotta love those old folks.

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____________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2801

2011-11-18T08:36:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2801)
(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Class of "1975"~

~Old Class Mate~ (Second time around)

(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

Well, you'll love this one...

My name is Mary, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALDING, WRINKLED FACED, FAT-ASSED, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT, SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

__________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis
of Pasadena CA)

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest?

Mountain in the world?

Answer below.

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.
[You're not very good at this are you?]

Chuckle 2800

2011-11-17T08:47:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2780)
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~The Baptist Church Dinner! ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try... She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave OL' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, OL' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm...”

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over OL’ Spot never even stopped."

_________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

_____________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2799

2011-11-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2799)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~On the Balcony with a Popsicle~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
‘Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced,
'The Coopers are having sex.
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they’re having sex?
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

_______________________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA)

answer below,

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

Chuckle 2798

2011-11-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2798)
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Six Retired Irishmen~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's
apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Peter Gallagher picks the short one. They
tell him to be discreet and gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Peter goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.
Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Peter declares: "Your husband just lost £500 and is afraid
to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Peter
______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2797

2011-11-13T08:43:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2797)

(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Replacement Windows~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 11 Questions to Ask Yourself)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo ............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

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_____________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own thanksgiving collection.)

__________________________________________________

(11 Questions to Ask Yourself from Phyllis of Pasadena CA) Answer below.

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

1. Answer: Johnny of course.

_______________________________________________________________

Chuckle 2796

2011-11-12T08:44:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2796)
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Chuckle 224 Sent out on 1-29-2004

~The Biker~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is gooood--the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says,

(scroll down)

"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2795

2011-11-11T08:33:00.001-08:00

(Chuckle 2795)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Lord... They Are Finally Together~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again, remarried, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked

the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:

"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

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________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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___________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

This is the last of this series!

_________________________________________________

Chuckle 2793

2011-11-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2793)
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Buried Copper Wire~ (Second time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, report finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later. A local newspaper in Minnesota reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Askov, Minnesota, Ole Swenson, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless".

Just makes a person proud to be from Minnesota.

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___________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2792

2011-11-08T08:40:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2792)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Lost Parrot ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I found a parrot sitting on my front porch this morning:

He keeps saying "Good morning, you old fart"

Is he yours?????

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________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

______________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2791

2011-11-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

(Chuckle 2791)

(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~ Health Message~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass. It's the Tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

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________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

______________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2790

2011-11-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2790)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Blonde Passenger~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower... I have received your message, and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax... Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me...Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven..."

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________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own Thanksgiving collection.)

___________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2789

2011-11-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2779)
(Dee K. of Florence gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Cartoons~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

____________________________________________________________________
Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
From the Thanksgiving Collection.

_____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2788

2011-11-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2788)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Happy Halloween~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went... The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... Naturally, (since he was her husband...)

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

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__________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.) This is the first of a Maxine Thanksgiving series.

_________________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2787

2011-11-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2787)
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~A COWBOY NAMED FRED~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the Cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,

"...the balcony..."

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__________________________________________________

Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

__________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2786

2011-11-01T07:35:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2786)
From the Archives Chuckle 125 sent out Oct 21- 2003
(Thanks go to Rick and Ann of Surrey BC for this revealing
Chuckle.)

~A Midnight Plea: ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney
whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman,
don't you ever stop?"
______________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2785

2011-10-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2785)
Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~FIRST TIME SEX ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

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________________________________________________________

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2784

2011-10-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2784)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Tonsils Out ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the Operating Room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2783

2011-10-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2783)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~"Well, Bless Your Heart."~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

THE TRUE MEANING OF THE SOUTHERN EXPRESSION "WELL, BLESS YOUR HEART."

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children,

The California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart." The first woman then asked her companion,

"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

________________________________________________

Chuckle 2782

2011-10-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2782)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~The Irish Funeral ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

____________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2781

2011-10-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2781)
Chuckle168 (From my Archive Collection) sent 12-3-2003
(Today’s chuckle comes to us from Willie and Joy of
Sacramento, CA. Thanks to both of you!!)

~The Sermon~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

It was late Saturday night and the preacher hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I have come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to sit in the car during the service because I'll be too embarrassed for you."

"OK, then, suit yourself!" he replied. So, she stayed in the car.

Sitting in front of the church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX, and just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw the wife sitting in the car and approached her window.

“Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given!"

She replied, "Ah, what does he know about it? He's only tried it twice in his entire life. Once on a church picnic while we were dating, and once at my father's house after we were married. And despite holding on for dear life, he fell off both times!"
_____________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

No. 12

2011-10-25T08:29:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2780)
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! ~

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2779

2011-10-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2779) Note: Lora and I will be away at my 63rd HS reunion so no Chuckles until next Tuesday. Take Care --- Jerry alias Mr. Chuckles---
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Teeth~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minute s. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

___________________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2778

2011-10-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2778
Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Long ago and far away. ~

For all of you who remember being there, and for those of you
who are too young and weren't there, but sometimes wish you
had been.

Remember the words from the song.

"Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing."

Have you ever wondered what happened
to all those really cute and crazy,
good looking, chicks

Who didn't wear bras, did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed

and shagged every guy they met during that great Age of Aquarius
back in the 60's?

Well wonder no more!

Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?

____________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2777

2011-10-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2777
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Got to Love Older People! ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

While Tim Cameron was sunbathing naked at the beach in Florida For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
_________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2776

2011-10-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2776
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Satellite Falls on Car~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Remember that satellite that recently was going to drop a 300 pound chunk somewhere - maybe Canada, maybe India, maybe Washington State?

Supposedly, there was "only a 1/3200 chance" that it would injure somebody? Then, NASA announced that it had fallen to earth, but they didn't know where? Well, here's the straight scoop.

http://wimp.com/nasasatellite/

_______________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2775

2011-10-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2775)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Marijuana Filled Firewood~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes what can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

________________________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2774

2011-10-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2774)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~High Urinals~ (Second time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

____________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle2773

2011-10-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2773
Chuckle 239 from my Archives sent out on 2-13-2004.
(Thanks go to John and Jayne of Florence, OR for today’s chuckle!)

~The Umbrella~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better.

I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver
fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.”

_________________________________________________

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______________________________________________

(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2772

2011-10-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2772)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~BOB & THE BLONDE~ (Second time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?”.

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." .

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
____________________________________________________

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____________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2771

2011-10-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2771)
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~God Loves Drunks Too~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk...

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

_________________________________________

Chuckle 2770

2011-10-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2770)
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Adventure Time~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Well, even at 88 one is never too old for an adventure...

I was STUCK on the 5th floor again... 2nd time in less that 2 years!!! This time there were 4 of us, then elevator took us to 5th floor and STUCK again and this time there were 5 of us...

A gal got on, on the 4th floor when it began to work... Went to 5th floor as a fellow was almost ready to pass out BUT at the 5th it STUCK again...The door opened and surprise! the fire dept fellows took us by stairs down to 4th floor... they are still working on it!!! Sure hope the fellow who got off on 5th is OK...It was lots more laughter this time with 4 of us on together. It was all OK BUT the shrill noise of the alarm after we called for help was ear drum shattering... all of us were very happy when it was turned off!!!! But standing that long is not fun for this old gal!!!!!

I don't think I will try going down to 2nd floor to hear the music at 3:30 and take a chance with that elevator until tomorrow... I am sure the fire dept fellows will have it working soon!!!!

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___________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2769

2011-10-09T16:10:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2769)
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick in Surrey BC!)
This was sent out as Chuckle 300 on 4-15-2004

~Pool? ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers. Wife: Who is this? Maid: This is the maid. Wife: We don't have a maid. Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house. Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there? MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

MAID: Of course! What will I have to do? WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.

The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more footsteps.

MAID: What do I do with the bodies? WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool. MAID: There's no pool here.

A long pause.

WIFE: Is this 832-4821?
______________________________________________________

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Chuckle 2768

2011-10-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2768)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Dining Out~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that is my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?” she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

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Today in History Click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2767

2011-10-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2767)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Three Nuns~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, Men Can Fix Anything)

Three nuns were attending a Yankee baseball game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, "I want to move to Montana. There are only 5o nuns living there."

The third guy yelled, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there." the mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,

"Why don't you go to hell...? There aren't any nuns there."

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

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2011-10-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2766)

Chuckle 243 sent on 2-17-2004
(Thanks for today's chuckle go to Nadine in Carpinteria, CA)

(I'll bet you can't guess the punch line!!)

~Successful Operation~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. Therefore, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

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_____________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2765

2011-10-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

(Chuckle 2765)
(Bev L of Mt, Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

This is a good one! I got a big chuckle out of this one hope you do too!
---Bev---

~Cake or Bed ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Fine, then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right

To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so

Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.

I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps he says, does it look like i have home depot written on my forehead? I don't think so I’ve had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours...................................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working

As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried

Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied, hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2764

2011-10-04T08:31:00.001-07:00

Chuckle 2764

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Silent Sister~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but bitch since you got here.'

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_____________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2763

2011-10-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2763
(Pam S of Citrus Ht. CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Wrong Shampoo~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

I've got to switch shampoos....
I don't know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!!!!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body
and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning…

FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY!

NO wonder I have been gaining weight!!!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo.
I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads,

DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.

Problem Solved!!!

If I don't answer the phone …I'll be in the shower!!!
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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence OR)

Chuckle 2762

2011-10-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2762
(Stevan S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

"Understanding Women" Now out in paperback!!
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2761

2011-09-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2761
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Wal-Mart Senior Greeter ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

You just have to appreciate this one. Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired...

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, and then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?’”

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2760

2011-09-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

Chuckle 2760
(Nicky H of Florence gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Father of the Bride~ + ~Shrink out of Sink~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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~Shrink out of Sink~

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Find the six differences, answers below)