Chuckle 985

Chuckle 985
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA)

~Things My Mother Taught Me~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

In Case we have forgotten ---

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY “Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to; be my age, you’ll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

"People may not always remember what you said or did, but they will always remember how you made them feel" ***
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(Click Today in History and learn.)

• Today in history

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Word of the Day for Saturday March 18, 2006

amalgam \uh-MAL-guhm\, noun:1. An alloy of mercury with another metal or metals; used especially (with silver) as a dental filling.2. A mixture or compound of different things.

In that year, Zola struck back at the novelist and critic Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly, that curious amalgam of religious conservative and blasphemous melodramatist -- Zola called him a"hysterical Catholic" -- whom he had long detested for his superior bearing and his unfortunate sallies against writers Zola admired.-- Gary B. Nash, History on Trial

The so-called "protest" literature of the thirties was often an amalgam of the private rebellion of youth with social revolt.-- Nona Balakian, The World of William Saroyan

The governing body of college athletics is gradually extruding a regulatory text that reads like some crazed amalgam of the Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus and the Uniform Commercial Code.-- Paul F. Campos, Jurismania

Her vocabulary was an amalgam of slang, especially the show-business jargon of Broadway and Tin Pan Alley, and a requisite amount of cultivated English.-- James A. Drake, Rosa Ponselle: A Centenary Biography
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