Chuckle 1813

Chuckle 1813
(Willie F of Sacramento Calif. gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

<--“Ferrari GTO”

~What a Ride! ~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and Six Differences.) An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... But I'll stick with my Moped!" Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly.. WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably; the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror." This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
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3Chrysler
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HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!!

Chuckle 1811

Chuckle 1811
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charlie M of Bradenton FL!)


~Bob~ (2nd time around)
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Bob works hard at IBM and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling team. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.' The funeral for BOB is on Friday

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>

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Cadillac.
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Chuckle 1811

Chuckle 1810
(Linda M of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Back Country Cemetery~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

As a young minister in Missouri, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost.

Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The digging crew was eating lunch.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave.

There I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come," the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!"

The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another,

"I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!"


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7 William Pinks
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Nice days are hard to come by, so grab it

when you can !

Chuckle 1809

Chuckle 1809
(Bev L of Calgary, Alberta gets today’s chuckle thanks!)




~Coat Hanger~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat Hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old Motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, beard ed man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter Is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"


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27 Iceland Poppy

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Chuckle 1800

Chuckle 1800
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~New Airline Rules ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)


Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locater fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs

50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory!



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4 Shasta Daisy

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Have a good one !!

Chuckle 1801

Chuckle 1801
(Lora S of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~Thunderstorm and Children’s Sermon~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

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5 Cosmos
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Chuckle 1800

Chuckle 1800
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~New Airline Rules ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)


Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locater fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs

50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory!



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4 Shasta Daisy

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Have a Great Day!

Chuckle 1799

Chuckle 1799
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Letter to God~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God;

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:


Dear God;

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

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3 New England Aster

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Chuckle1798

Chuckle 1798
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)

~Senior Dating~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.' ***
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2 Cornflower

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1797

Chuckle 1797
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~A Lesson in Grammar ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, 'I can cure this'. That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'All you or your wife has to say is 1234 and it will go down. But he warned - it will not work again for another year!'

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife, Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123'. He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life...just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition! ***

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1 Blue Columbine
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