Chuckle 2785

(Chuckle 2785)
Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~FIRST TIME SEX ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!'

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2784

(Chuckle 2784)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Tonsils Out ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the Operating Room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2783

(Chuckle 2783)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~"Well, Bless Your Heart."~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

THE TRUE MEANING OF THE SOUTHERN EXPRESSION "WELL, BLESS YOUR HEART."

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children,

The California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart." The first woman then asked her companion,

"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart."

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Chuckle 2782

(Chuckle 2782)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~The Irish Funeral ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

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Chuckle 2781

(Chuckle 2781)
Chuckle168 (From my Archive Collection) sent 12-3-2003
(Today’s chuckle comes to us from Willie and Joy of
Sacramento, CA. Thanks to both of you!!)

~The Sermon~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

It was late Saturday night and the preacher hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I have come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"

She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"

He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."

The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to sit in the car during the service because I'll be too embarrassed for you."

"OK, then, suit yourself!" he replied. So, she stayed in the car.

Sitting in front of the church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX, and just had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw the wife sitting in the car and approached her window.

“Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given!"

She replied, "Ah, what does he know about it? He's only tried it twice in his entire life. Once on a church picnic while we were dating, and once at my father's house after we were married. And despite holding on for dear life, he fell off both times!"
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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)



No. 12

(Chuckle 2780)
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South! ~

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!' If you don't send this to five friends, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2779

(Chuckle 2779) Note: Lora and I will be away at my 63rd HS reunion so no Chuckles until next Tuesday. Take Care --- Jerry alias Mr. Chuckles---
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Teeth~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minute s. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

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Chuckle 2778

Chuckle 2778
Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Long ago and far away. ~

For all of you who remember being there, and for those of you
who are too young and weren't there, but sometimes wish you
had been.

Remember the words from the song.



"Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing."

Have you ever wondered what happened
to all those really cute and crazy,
good looking, chicks







Who didn't wear bras, did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed






and shagged every guy they met during that great Age of Aquarius
back in the 60's?



Well wonder no more!

Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2777

Chuckle 2777
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Got to Love Older People! ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)




While Tim Cameron was sunbathing naked at the beach in Florida For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
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Chuckle 2776

Chuckle 2776
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Satellite Falls on Car~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Remember that satellite that recently was going to drop a 300 pound chunk somewhere - maybe Canada, maybe India, maybe Washington State?

Supposedly, there was "only a 1/3200 chance" that it would injure somebody? Then, NASA announced that it had fallen to earth, but they didn't know where? Well, here's the straight scoop.

http://wimp.com/nasasatellite/

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2775

(Chuckle 2775)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Marijuana Filled Firewood~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes what can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but; find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

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Chuckle 2774

(Chuckle 2774)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~High Urinals~ (Second time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle2773

Chuckle 2773
Chuckle 239 from my Archives sent out on 2-13-2004.
(Thanks go to John and Jayne of Florence, OR for today’s chuckle!)

~The Umbrella~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Men Can Fix Anything)


A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better.

I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver
fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly.”

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(Men Can Fix Anything) from Linda M of Florence)

Chuckle 2772

(Chuckle 2772)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~BOB & THE BLONDE~ (Second time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?”.

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." .

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.
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