Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Chuckle 2735

Chuckle 2735
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~40 Years Of Marriage.. ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Observations on aging.)



Married couples in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.



The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b******* should remember fairies are female.....

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


______________________________________________________

(Some observations on aging; from Bev.)

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called “Pre-sleep".


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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Chuckle 2734

Chuckle 2734

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Photo of Boating Accident minutes before death.. ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Not for the squeamish!

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)


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Today in History Click
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Word for the day Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)












Sunday, August 28, 2011

Chuckle 2733

Chuckle 2733
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Italian Lover~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Some observations on aging)

Guido, The Italian Lover A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No.".

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?".

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Some observations on aging; from Bev.)

~You Forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... Especially Golf.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Chuckle 2732

Chuckle 2732
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Impending Death~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...?’

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning.... you don't.'

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)











Friday, August 26, 2011

Chuckle 2731

Chuckle 2731
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Two Short Chuckles~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Observations on aging; from Bev.)

~WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY~

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results were pretty interesting. 30% think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

The remaining 60% of women say they don’t care, they love him,
he's a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world!
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~Husband Down on aisle 4~ (Second time around)



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Target.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” Asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on
shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the basket. “What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”

He never knew what hit him.
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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Some observations on aging; from Bev.)

~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Chuckle 2730

Chuckle 2730

(Charlie M of Tecumseh OK gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Bass Pro Shop ~ (Second time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.


A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line.

It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am.

The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)








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(Find the six differences, answers below)











Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Chuckle 2729

Chuckle 2729
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~North Carolina~(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Top Ten Complaints From Dogs.)

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.



The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


__________________________________________________________

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM DOGS

Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

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Every dog has his day.
A dog always offers unconditional love.
Cats have to think about IT!

This is the last of this series!


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Chuckle 2728

Chuckle 2728
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Male Sensitivity~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary
help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will
make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface
like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember
-- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking
with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Chris at the back of the room slowly
raised his hand.

"Yes," said the instructor.

"I was just wondering, would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we
walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the six differences, answers below)










Sunday, August 21, 2011

Chuckle 2727

Chuckle 2727
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Secret Code~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Top Ten Complaints from Dogs

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"
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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM DOGS



‘9’ Dog sweaters. Hello?
Haven't you noticed the fur?

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‘10’ How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

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Saturday, August 20, 2011

Chuckle 2726

Chuckle 2726
(Don W of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~To be Young Again ~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.



Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the six differences, answers below)













Friday, August 19, 2011

Chuckle 2725

Chuckle 2725
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~TWENTY DOLLARS~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Top Ten Complaints from Dogs.)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_____________________________________________________

TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM DOGS

'7' Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

--------------------------------------------------

‘8’ Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing
yet.












Thursday, August 18, 2011

Chuckle 2724

Chuckle 2724

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Leroy and Leighroy~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

Today in History from Yahoo

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Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)

(Word for the Day)

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Today's Horoscope )

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(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Find the six differences, answers below)













Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Chuckle 2723

Chuckle 2723
(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~A Must Read for Grandparents~(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Top Ten Complaints From Dogs.)

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?' The little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach.. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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___________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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~Top Ten Complaints from Dogs ~

‘5’ Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

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‘6’ The slight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment
for the top of the food chain!


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Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Chuckle 2722


Chuckle 2722
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~OLD Explained~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.



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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)












Sunday, August 14, 2011

Chuckle 2721

Chuckle 2721
(Rich and Flo C. of Yuma AZ gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Football FINALLY makes sense;

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents!

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the six differences, answers below)






























Saturday, August 13, 2011

Chuckle 2720

Chuckle 2720
(Stevan S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Darn Women Drivers~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds... to continue shaving... and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver which
knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car

using my knees against the steering wheel, It knocked my Cell
Phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs!

Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone,
soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.



Darn Women Drivers!
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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




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TOP TEN COMPLAINTS FROM DOGS

'3' Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.

Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

'4' Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!




Friday, August 12, 2011

Chuckle 2719

Chuckle 2719
(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Never underestimate women. ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they had grown to despise each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. Afterward, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink, smiled, and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And you know men … they won't ever ask for directions.”

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Today in History Click
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______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)