Chuckle 3200

Chuckle 3200
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~Skipping Church~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day,
today’s horoscope, Maxine and Retirement Health Philosophy

 

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he  just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed , "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards  the pin dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.   IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"  The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"                                                   ________________________________________________________ (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/ (Maxine)                             RETIREMENT HEALTH PHILOSOPHY from Bev L in Mt. Vernon WA Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

 

Chuckle 3199

Chuckle 3199

(Mac M of Florence OR gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~The Mirror~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,    'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

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(Today in History Click)
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(Maxine) from Linda M of Gresham OR.

 

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Find the six differences

 

Chuckle 3198

Chuckle 3198

  (Keith K of Florence OR gets todays chuckle thanks.)

42 ft. Chris Craft with 2 engines

-A little long but an easy read.-

~Gone Fishing~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences)

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales

 

experience?" The kid says

"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was

unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him

the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store

was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers

bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and

mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales

to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to

continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales

force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota,

but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt

kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi - sarcastically), "So,

how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says

"$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did

you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new

fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing

and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went

down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said

he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive

department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat

and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,

and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

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(Today in History Click)
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_____________________________________________________ 

(Maxine)

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Find the six differences

 

Chuckle 3197

Chuckle 3197 Classic
Chuckle 2497 (Sent out in Oct 2010)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

 

Billy Joe and Earlene

~Vacation Time~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me!"

 

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Today in History  from Yahoo

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(Word for the Day)

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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)

Today's Horoscope )

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(Maxine from my own collection.)

 

 

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(~Different Ways of Looking At Things~)

 

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

 Joe: 'Really?'

 Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

 

Chuckle 3196

Chuckle 3196 Classic
Chuckle 143 (Sent out in Nov.2003)
(John and Jayne of? gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~Better Than a Flu Shot: ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

   When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (Pointing to the bowl).
    "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...

I haven't had a cold all winter!!”

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(Another shorty from Rick of Surrey BC.)

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

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(Today in History Click)
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(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences

 

 

 

Chuckle 3195

Chuckle 3195 (Classic)

Chuckle 113 (sent out Oct. 2003)

(Dean and Dee of Florence OR sent this chuckle,

thanks go two both of you!)

~Texas Cowboy Airborne:~(Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

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(Maxine)

 

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Find the six differences

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3194

Chuckle 3194
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Mother Angelica~ (Second time around)  (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Retirement Health Philosophy)

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers;

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused..

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, “Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

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 ________________________________________________________

(Maxine)

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RETIREMENT HEALTH PHILOSOPHY from Bev L in Mt. Vernon WA

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I decided that it's the tortoise life for me!

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?  I don't think so.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

Chuckle 3193

Chuckle 3193

(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA get today’s chuckle thanks.)

~OLD TIMER'S HOSPITAL STAY~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

I am a sick old man.
I was sick and in the hospital.
There was one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
'And how are we doing this morning',
Or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry ?'
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bed side stand.
Later, I was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went !
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today. '
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'
The nurse fainted..........
         I just smiled

DON'T MESS WITH 'OLD' PEOPLE!!

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(Today in History Click)
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(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Find the six differences