Chuckle 3109

(Chuckle 3109)

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Pay Increase~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and
Redneck medical terminology)

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks,
"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora… The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

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______________________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Redneck medical terminology from Phyllis and Chet.)

Dilate
- To live long

Enema
- Not a friend

Fester
- Quicker than someone else

Chuckle 3108

(Chuckle 3108)

(Phyllis and Chet in Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~British Humor~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History,
Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired...'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor!
This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

______________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3107

(Chuckle 3107)
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)
Chuckle 2511 Classic (Sent out in Nov. 2010)

~Blonde with a Problem~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'
________________________________________________________

Today in History Click

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)

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An Airline with a sense of humor.
(From Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA)

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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Chuckle 3106

(Chuckle 3106)

(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Another Adventure with Ole and Sven~
(Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. "Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, “said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away. Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

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______________________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3105

(Chuckle 3105)

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Six Minutes Late~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Redneck medical terminology)

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Following Saturday rolls around and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.

You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed
or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.

Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is lying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

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_______________________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_________________________________________________________

(Redneck medical terminology from Phyllis and Chet.)

Cauterize
- Made eye contact with her

Colic
- A sheep dog

Coma
- A punctuation mark

Chuckle 3104

(Chuckle 3104)

(Nancy S if Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Johnny’s Future Plans~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Little Johnny's turn.

Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there; buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas.

Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a private jet, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day."

The teacher was at a lost for words and didn't know what to do, so she just proceeded along and asked Little Susie what she wanted to be.

Susie replied: “Johnny’s bitch!!"

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____________________________________________________
(Maxine Cartoon)

_________________________________________________________


(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3103

(Chuckle 3103)

(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Stay off your bike~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Redneck medical terminology)

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
___________________________________________________________

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_________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________

(Redneck medical terminology from Phyllis and Chet. )

Benign
- What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section
- A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan
- Searching for Kitty

Chuckle 3102

(Chuckle 3102)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~A Golf Story~  Received in July of 2004 (Plus: Today in History,
Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and
6 differences.)

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. she said, "I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)" . He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper........ I'm still one hole behind you."
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Thanksgiving Cartoon

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3101

(Chuckle 3101)

(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Six Retired Irishmen~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History,
Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Thanksgiving cartoon,
and Redneck medical terminology )

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five
continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys,
someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Peter Gallagher picks the short one. They
tell him to be discreet and gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion is my middle name.

Leave it to me."

Peter goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Peter declares: "Your husband just lost £500 and is afraid
to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Peter
__________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Thanksgiving Cartoon)


__________________________________________________________

(Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical
terminology seriously. From Phyllis in Pasadena CA)

Medical Term
Redneck Definition

Artery
- The study of paintings

Bacteria
- Back door to cafeteria

Barium
- What doctors do when patients die.

Chuckle3100

(Chuckle 3100)

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Turkey Hunt~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day,
Today’s Horoscope, Thanksgiving Cartoon, and 6 differences.)

____________________________________________________________



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________________________________________________________

(Thanksgiving Cartoon)

_________________________________________________________
(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3099

(Chuckle 3099)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Pest Control~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers)

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.’ Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

___________________________________________________________

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(Maxine Cartoon)

__________________________________________________________

(Bumper Stickers from Pat.)

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND Lastly:

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME
REASON"

This is the last of this series.

Chuckle 3098

(Chuckle 3098) Classic
(Phyllis in Pasadena gets today’s chuckle thanks!)
(Chuckle 250 (Sent out in Feb 2004)

~Catholic Kindergartners~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day,
Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A group of preschoolers were trying to become
accustomed to the kindergarten.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the Sister
insisted on no baby talk!

You need to use Big People words, she was always
reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER; use

Big People words," the patient Sister replied.

Then the Sister asked Mitchell what he had done;

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

"No," the Sister said, "you took a ride on a TRAIN."

"You must remember to use Big People words."

She then asked Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL," the Nun said.
"What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed
out his little chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT!"
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

___________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3097

(Chuckle 3097)

(Holly S of Chicago ILL gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Two From Holly~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers)

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perpetrator had been punished enough!

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(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Bumper Stickers from Pat.)

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends

Chuckle 3096

(Chuckle 3096)

(Chet and Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Deep Thought~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

_________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

______________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 3095

(Chuckle 3095)

(Anon gets today’s chuckle thanks)
Chuckle 20 Sent out June of 2003.
                         
                     Belligerent Bear

~Belligerent Bear in Billings Bar~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers)

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings,"

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar,"

The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings,"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs,

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
___________________________________________________________

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

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(Bumper Stickers from Pat.)

Boldly Going Nowhere.

How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

Chuckle 3094

(Chuckle 3094

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

                 Stressed out?

~Stress Management Technique~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.

The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

See! You’re smiling already Ron.
______________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_______________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)
  

Chuckle 3093

(Chuckle 3093)

(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~First Place Stella Award Winner~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bumper Stickers)

  This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think the court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.
______________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

_________________________________________________________
(Bumper Stickers from Pat.)

(Seen Upside Down on a Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

Chuckle 3092

(Chuckle 3092)

(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Little Boy on a Bus~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom . . . and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

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______________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine Cartoon)

____________________________________________________________

(Find the six differences, answers below)