Chuckle 2460

Chuckle 2460
Sent in by Mac M of Florence OR. Thanks Mac


~Education...~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where I was going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asked me, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife,” I responded.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_____________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_____________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




_______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2497

Chuckle 2497
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


Billy Joe and Marlene

~Vacation Time~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me!"

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/


________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




________________________________________________________

(~Different Ways of Looking At Things~)

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

_________________________________________________________

Have a Good One

Chyuckle 2495

Chuckle 2495
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Tired Nurse~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller And without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great.... that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_________________________________________________________

(~Different Ways of Looking At Things~)

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde
says, and hangs up.

________________________________________________________

Have a good one!

Chuckle 2494

Chuckle 2494
(Bev of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Black or Blue~(2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2493

Chuckle 2493
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)





~Divorced Barbie ~(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm


_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________



(Maxine from my own collection.)









_________________________________________________________

(~Different Ways of Looking At Things~)

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

________________________________________________________



(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2492

Chuckle 2492
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Moms in Group Therapy~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "Jane, you are obsessed with eating. You've named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom: "Amy, your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This, too, shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth Mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2490

Chuckle 2490
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Better than a Flu Shot! ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.


She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?'
________________________________________________________


Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/




________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_________________________________________________________



(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2489

Chuckle 2489
(Thanks go to Rick and Ann of Surrey BC for this revealing
Chuckle.) Sent in 2007

~A Midnight Plea: ~
Chuckle 125
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney
whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman,
don't you ever stop?"

Jay Leno- “The New England Journal of Medicine
reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out or ten doctors is an idiot.”

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



____________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2488

Chuckle 2488
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~How Adam Got Eve~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!

______________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_______________________________________________________

(~Different Ways of Looking At Things~)

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
______________________________________________________

Chuckle 2487

Chuckle 2487
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The Toilet Seat ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower.


Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.

(try to get a mental picture of this).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I've just never seen one mounted and framed."

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2486

Chuckle2486
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Eleven People. On A Rope~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter...

There were 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .

PLEASE SEND THIS MAIL TO ALL INTELLIGENT WOMEN.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm


_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_________________________________________________________

(~Different Ways of Looking At Things~)

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'



________________________________________________________

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2485

Chuckle 2485
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Elderly Advice~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A tough old cowboy from west Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Sorta brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it? ---Bev---

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
__________________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2484

Chuckle 2484
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Boudreaux and Thibodeaux ~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?". Boudreaux explains, "man. dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long." Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux say,”I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


______________________________________________________

(~Different Ways of Looking At Things~)

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
_____________________________________________________

Chuckle 2483

Chuckle 2483
(Anon. gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~OMG~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!



He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right! On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

______________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2481

Chuckle 2481
(Gwenda B of Junction City OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



Sorry I couldn’t find a picture of a guy hanging from is knees. Please accept this
substitute ---Jerry---



~Sick Leave ~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
(You're gonna love this....)

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.


This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

Maxine



_______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)