Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Chuckle 3304


Chuckle 3304
(Keith K of Florence OR gets todays chuckle thanks.)


~Just shut up man! ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Signs from Keith)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking Encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that She needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that His employer was going through a process of corporate Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, These holdings had multiplied and these were the Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 (Maxine)



 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Signs from Keith of Florence OR
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Chuckle 3303


Chuckle 3303
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Hard to beat Israeli Technology! ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences



Tel Aviv, Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device
that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this
crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and
expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement:

"Attention  to all standby passengers, El Al  is proud to announce
a seat available on flight 670 to  London .  Shalom!"

BRILLIANT.

 

 (Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 

(Maxine)



 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Find the six differences;

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Chuckle 3302


Chuckle 3302
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Lost in Wal-Mart~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Signs from Keith)

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.   The old guy says to the young guy,  "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."  

 The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

 The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"

 The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?'

 To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

 
(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 

(Maxine)



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Signs from Keith of Florence OR

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

 

 

 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Chuckle 3301


Chuckle 3301 Classic

(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

Chuckle 442 (sent out in Sept 2004)

~ Dr. Hook? ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and

Find the 6 differences)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird S*%t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

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___________________________________________________________
 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 

(Maxine)



 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Find the six differences;


















 

 











Friday, July 26, 2013

Chuckle 3300


Chuckle 3300 Classic

(George H of Florence OR gets todays chuckle thanks.)
Chuckle 115 (sent out in Oct 2003)

 ~Digital Camera for Sale:~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Keith’s signs)

  Looking to sell a good digital camera.  I don't need it any longer as I'm in the hospital. I'm including the last photo that I took so that you have some idea about the picture quality.

 



 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 
(Maxine)














 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Signs from Keith of Florence OR

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

 **************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

 


Thursday, July 25, 2013

Chuckle 3299


Chuckle 3299

(Keith K of Florence OR gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~Growing Older: ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,  )

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

 "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

 There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

***********************

 An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.  As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

 
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

 

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

 
_____________________________________________________________________
 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

(Maxine)



 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Find the six differences;





































 

 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Chuckle 3298


Chuckle 3298

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Doctors are Hopeful~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Signs from Keith)

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to
describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife
..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly
optimistic about saving his testicles.

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 

(Maxine)



 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Signs from Keith of Florence OR

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

**************************

 

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Chuckle 3297


Chuckle 3297

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)
~Getting even ~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door... She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her ’Pussycat.'  

 The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.  

  My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.  

   My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband   'El-Cheap-O' , and my husband calls the vet   'El-Charge-O'.  

 They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.  

 The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet...  

 The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.  

 He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!'       Then he closed the door.  

 Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!  
_________________________________________________________


(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_______________________________________________ 

(Maxine)



 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
___________________________________________________
 
Find the six differences; for puzzle double click the clip.