Chuckle2452

Chuckle 2452
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~50 Years Together~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."



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Today in History Click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2450

Chuckle 2450 (Remember no chuckles on Monday's)
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. --- Pat---

Dear Diary, for my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

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TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
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THURSDAY: Butt hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY: I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


_______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2448

Chuckle 2449
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Two from Charlie~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

*********************************************************************************
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor...
From Bev L of Mt Vernon WA



Bev’s Uncle Bert

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2447

Chuckle 2448
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~ So how's your day going?? ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Today in History Click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2447

Chuckle 2447
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)




~DOG FOR SALE ~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks.



'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young... I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of those things.’

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor...

From Bev L of Mt Vernon WA

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

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(Have a great day) __________

Chuckle 2446

Chuckle 2446
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND' ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.’

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Newfies know how to get'er done)

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2445

Chuckle 2445
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

This has got to be one of the funniest chuckles yet! ---Jerry---

This was taken from “OFF THE CLOCK” by Rebecca Dudley
News -Tribune Editor / publisher

~ My ex-husband~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,)
My ex-husband had this annoying habit of bringing greasy old carburetors and things into the house to work on. So last week, when my friend called to tell me this story my first response was, -where did this guy live?"

Now reassured that I was never related to him by marriage. This

really is too hilarious not to share. The way my friend told it, this guy pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room. Where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline. When he finished, he "sat on the motorcycle and ,decided to start it to make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars. .

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the noise" and round him crumpled on the patio. Badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911 and the paramedics transported the guy to the emergency room.

So far. the story is humorous -'In a that is what you get for being a big enough lout to bring your motorcycle into the house’ Kind of way.



But here is where I split a gut;

Later that afternoon. after many stitches had pulled her husband back together. the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up. Lit a cigarette, and went

Into the bathroom. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet. This promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The Wife heard the explosion and her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found him lying on the Door with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher and broke the guy’s collarbone.

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Today in History Click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




_______________________________________________________________

Reflections from the Seat of an Old Tractor...

From Bev L of Mt Vernon WA




“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2444

Chuckle 2444
(Nicki H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Sex at 73~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)
(note; I thought that you people in senior apartment complexs might see some humor here.)

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 73!!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 67.....

So it’s not far to walk home afterwards!

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2443

Chuckle 2443

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Mrs. Neely~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

“98 and no enemies - human interest story”

All women should live so long as to be this kind of lady! Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" Eighty percent held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

Life isn't about how you survived the storm. It's about how you danced in the rain!

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Life Thoughts from Phyllis S of Pasadena CA.)

I’ve run out of these; so these will be the last Life Thoughts.

Bumper sticker of the year: ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier’


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2442

Chuckle 2442 (Hmm, this is a palindrome.)
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)




~AN IRISH BLOND~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An attractive blond from County Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that she removed every piece of clothing, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blonds are dumb,

But all men...are men.

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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2441

Chuckle 2441

(Keith K of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Gender-Specific Driving Etiquette~

A woman is driving at night on a narrow country road. At the same time, a man is driving in the opposite direction on that same road...

When they narrowly pass each other at high speed, the woman rolled down her window and loudly shouted

"Donkey!"

Immediately the man shouted back

"BITCH!"

The man laughs. He is proud to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman and takes the next turn in the road, maintaining his speed.

Moral of the story:
Men never listen and, when they do, they don't understand one word a woman says.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Life Thoughts from Phyllis S of Pasadena CA.)

Wouldn't you know it....? Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2440

Chuckle 2440
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Drinks in Flight~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my Godly lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."
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_______________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2439

Chuckle 2439
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Grandmas Don't Know Everything!!~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days... He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

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(Life Thoughts from Phyllis S of Pasadena CA.)

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!!

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2438

Chuckle 2438
(Cathy B of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Husband Down~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)

_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2437

Chuckle 2437
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.

~Last Night~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Life Thoughts from Phyllis S of Pasadena CA.)

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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(Have a great day)