Friday, April 30, 2010

Chuckle 2357

Chuckle 2357
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Ocean View restaurant~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kindly.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

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(Kid's on Marriage)

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? -When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
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(Have a great day)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Chuckle 2356

Chuckle 2356
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Never Argue with a Woman~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)


One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'isn’t that obvious? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.

I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Chuckle 2355

Chuckle 2355
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Widdle Wabbit ~ (2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A precious little girl walks into a Pet Smart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


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(Kid's on Marriage)

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Chuckle 2354

Chuckle 2354
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Classic!!! ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and ‘realistically’?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on Three million dollars ...


But ‘realistically’, we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Chuckle 2353

Chuckle 2353
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Love You~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain.....do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.


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Saturday, April 24, 2010

Chuckle 2352

Chuckle 2352
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~ROSES & HANGING BASKETS ~ (2nd Time around)(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

I just love this Grandma! She's got real style; A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

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(Kid's on Marriage)

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

Friday, April 23, 2010

Chuckle 2351

Chuckle 2351
(Cathy B of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Miss California Carrie Prejean

~California Girls~ (2nd Time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The first man married a woman from Tennessee. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Georgia. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from California. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Chuckle 2350
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Making Pies with Grandma~(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,


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(Kid's on Marriage)

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10


(Have a great day)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Chuckle 2349

Chuckle 2349
(Phyllis S. of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Only 3 words~: I love it ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it! ---Phyllis---

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...

On one condition..."


Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!)
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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Chuckle 2348

Chuckle 2348
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Now that’s The Navy for Ya~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don’t count on things smelling any better.

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(Kid's on Marriage)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

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(Have a Good One!)

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Chuckle 2347

If any of you are bowling fans see ESPN at 10 this morning.

Chuckle 2347

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~After 44 Years~ (2nd Time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Chuckle 2346

Chuckle 2346
(Don Wilson of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Damned Good~ (2nd Time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

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(Things I didn't know - or had forgotten)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
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"Have a good one"

Friday, April 16, 2010

Chuckle 2345

Chuckle 2345
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Dinner Guests~ (2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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(Maxine from Bev’s collection.)


I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?
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(Things I didn't know - or had forgotten)

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also)
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(Have a great day)

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Chuckle 2344

Chuckle 2344
(When I started the 2nd grade two new girls joined our class.
Their names were Phyllis Armstrong and Joyce Humphrey. Now
known as Phyllis Specht and Joyce Powel. Anyway, this chuckle was sent to me from Joyce to Phyllis. Thanks to both of you.) Sent out
6-7-2007

Chuckle 160 (From my Archives)
~Divorce~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'mcalling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."_______________________________________________________

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Chuckle 2342

Chuckle 2342
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~COMMUNICATION~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure .

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.. Then, she takes a close look and says,’ No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but please.... listen very, very closely.....

‘A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

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Saturday, April 10, 2010

Chuckle 2340

Chuckle 2340
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~A Blonde in Church~ (2nd Time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation,

'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan."

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued,

'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

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