Chuckle 1211

Chuckle 1211
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sandy J of Florence OR!)

~A Blonde's Year in Review~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in the printer!!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it????

October - Hate M & M's....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!! ***


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Answers: Sock, leaf, camera, snake, hat and beak.

Chuckle 1210

Chuckle 1210
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence OR!)


~Shopping at Wall-Mart~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

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Chuckle 1209

Chuckle 1209
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Too Much to Drink~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ***

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Chuckle 1208

Chuckle 1208
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back tonight!!


~Senior Trick or Treating~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have someone else chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason seniors should not go Trick or Treating...

*

*

*

1. You keep having to go home to pee.



No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! ***

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Chuckle 1207

Chuckle 1207
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)
John Bolt
Ace of VMF-214 in WW2
Korean War Ace, flying F-86 Sabrejet

~Marine Corps Lore~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

(John "Jack" Bolt, who launched West to his final reward in 2004, was the only two-war U.S. Marine Corps ace. As a junior officer during World War II, he scored six enemy kills while flying the Vought F4U Corsair. As a major during the Korean War, he scored six more while flying the North American F-86 Sabre on an exchange tour with the U.S. Air Force.)

Note; for more info on John Bolt click onto http://www.acepilots.com/usmc_bolt.html

Jack Bolt was a hoot! During a commercial airline flight several years ago, he was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing him as discreetly as possible.


Jack pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, Bolt responded: "Gosh, that's a good looking baby.... and he sure was hungry!"


Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.


Jack sadly shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion exclaimed, “Dang! And all these years I've been chewing gum!"


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Chuckle 1206

Chuckle 1206
(Phyllis H Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~The Pasta Diet and Your Health~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1... You walka pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3... You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND......

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ***


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Chuckle 1205

Chuckle 1205
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~Letter to Family and Friends~
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Dear family and friends; Sorry to say this, but this will be my last e-mail. Things have been tougher than usual lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every day. I want to take time and smell the Roses. So I am going to quit e-mailing jokes and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country and enjoy life while I still can. Don’t worry about me - they all seem like really nice people... It has been nice emailing you. But it's time to say good bye. A photo of my biker gang is below.

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Chuckle 1204

Chuckle 1204
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~A New Game Coming~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day.)

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary Alberta, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Lethbridge for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at The University of Calgary from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The
wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
"At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my
people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth
and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl,
"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I
do believe it's a-comin'." ***


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Chuckle 1203

Chuckle 1203
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~Dear Spike~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Dear Spike, I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose.

I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backwards I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your Future Father-in-Law

P.S. Congratulations on winning the Power Ball Lottery!! ***

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Chuckle 1202

Chuckle 1202
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marline W of Florence OR!)

Mr. Blacky Cat


~Halloween’s a Coming~ (Reminds me of the Jefferson’s)
(Plus; Today in History and Word for the Day)

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days.

So the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the Costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons,

The second is a thick white belt,

and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino.

If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo.

And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up you know where and go as a fudgecicle. ***

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Chuckle 1201

Chuckle 1201
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Sad News~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. ***


Yes it is…. You know it's funny

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Chuckle 1200

Chuckle 1200
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)


~Things Aren’t What They Seem~
(Plus; Today in History and Word for the Day)

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read;

"Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office. Sincerely yours Edna" ***
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Chuckle 1199

Chuckle 1199
(GGBG of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

"Maya Angelou"
~Don't Break the Elastic~
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In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.

Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on television, she said it was "exciting." Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

"I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."

"I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'."

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."

"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."

"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Please send this to five phenomenal people today.

If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another person’s self-esteem.

If you don't...the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles! ;-) Believe me, I didn't take any chances on MY elastic breaking....I sent it to a lot of special people I care for. ***

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Chuckle 1198

Chuckle 1198
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~The Elderly Set~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old... How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV.

So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself.

I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day. When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.

"! I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."

“Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..."

"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"

I continued, "...And just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."

"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house??!) that she had an appointment for a tint job."

So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital working in the gift shop.
I called my aunt (age 74); but she was on vacation in China.

I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; he was on his honeymoon.

So now I dread old age more than ever.

I just don't think I'm up to it.

God Bless America

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Chuckle 1197

Chuckle 1197
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Sunny Mary of Los Osos CA!)

~Airline Humor~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Despite what's happening in the world right now with airlines, I thought we could use some Airline humor.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per- minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks because throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. ***

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Chuckle 1196

Chuckle 1196
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Carrie M of Sacramento CA!)

"Wise Old Owl"

~Nuggets of Wisdom~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: 16 Profound Truths by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
(I wish I had!)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Chuckle 1195

Chuckle 1195
(Pan S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Only 51 Years Ago! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Comments made in the year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it." ***
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Chuckle 1194

Chuckle 1194
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)



~More from the Thinnest Book Collection~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORDby Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
DETROIT: A Travel Guide A COLLECTION OF MOTI VATION AL
SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen deGeneres
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
BRIDGE TRAVEL by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
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Chuckle 1193

Chuckle 1193
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Backyard Kite Flyer~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)


A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He rows the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite." ***
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Chuckle 1192

Chuckle 1192
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

~Very Proud Virgin~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

In a tiny town in Indiana lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested; it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally, his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:




"RETURNED UNOPENED” ***

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Chuckle 1191

Chuckle 1191
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~Service ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Telephone Service Civil Service City & County Public Service Customer Service Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

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Chuckle 1190

Chuckle 1190
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Leather~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Leather




















She smells like a new truck !______________________________________________________

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Chuckle 1189

Chuckle 1189
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)

To all of you Canadian’s; have a “Happy Thanksgiving!!”


~Never Tick Off a Nurse~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out!

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken!?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

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Chuckle 1188

Chuckle 1188
(Sandra J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

FYI (You may want one of these for you next car.)

Top speed 208 mph. 0-60 in under 3.8 seconds. The Mercedes SLR McLaren is a milestone automotive achievement, as much for its staggering power and performance as its Formula 1 inspired engineering and design.

"To be sure, the Greatest Car in the World has to be fast, but it should also be able to function as a car. The promise of the SLR is that it is the complete package." Esquire Magazine

View SLR Mc Laren Specifications MSRP $452,750* Engine AMG-built supercharged 5,439-cc 24-valve 90°V-8 engine Net Power 617 hp @ 6,500 rpm Net Torque575 lb-ft @ 3,250 - 5,000 rpm. Behold the SLR The Mercedes-Benz SLR Mc Laren forever redefines the term "super car".

*MSRP includes $2,750 transportation and handling charge and excludes all taxes, title/documentary fees, registration, tags, Mercedes-Benz Dealer prep, labor and installation charges, insurance, optional equipment and accessories, certificate of compliance or non-compliance fees, and finance charges. Actual prices may vary by Dealer. A $3000 Gas Guzzler tax will also be charged at the dealership.


~Smart Blonde~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SLR Mc Laren.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $450,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire... What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally..... a smart blonde joke! ***

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Chuckle 1187

Chuckle 1187
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dick L o f Florence OR!)



~Your first kiss~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)


So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And... Should you use some tongue?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

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