Chuckle 1927

Chuckle 1927
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Hi Honey~(2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope.)

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****



*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......


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Chuckle 1926

As of today; I have lived 78 years, how about that!!
---Mr Chuckles---

Chuckle 1926
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Bob’s new Wife~
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies “What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." ***

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Chuckle 1925

Chuckle 1925
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!)


~Two Men in a Bar ~ (2nd time around)
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Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland’

The other guy responds proudly, ‘Yes that I am'

The first guy says, 'So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCrery Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it; I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

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Have a nice day!
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Chuckle 1924

HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Chuckle 1924
(Beverley L Mt Vernon WA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)




~A Short Love Story ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...Him in the upper bunk
and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
Saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
Reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End ***

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Chuckle 1923

Chuckle 1923
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C of Yuma AZ!)

~Hearing prayer ~
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After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Bubba gets in line, and when it's his turn the preacher asks: "Bubba, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Bubba replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Bubba’s head and prays and prays.

After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back

and asks: "Bubba, how is your hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday". ***

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One more day!




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Chuckle 1922

Chuckle 1922
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Creation of Man from the Women's Point of View~
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six differences.)



After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'you know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?


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Chuckle 1921

Chuckle 1921
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Getting ready to apply the Pretzel Hold


Russian and a Redneck Wrestler~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope.)

A Russian and a redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." the redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, and then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "well, i was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength i stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

The trainer exclaimed, "So that's what finished him off!"

"Not really. But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.”!

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Chuckle 1920

Chuckle 1920
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Overboard~ (2nd time around)
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Six Differences.)

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean we hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." ***



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Chuckle 1919

Chuckle 1919
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Last year at Thanksgiving~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE ***


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Chuckle 1918

Chuckle 1918
(Goldie C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~Mexican Restaurant ~ (2nd time around)
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Six Differences.)

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day.

Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?

Al replies, ‘I don’t know, let's ask our waiter.'

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, ‘are there any Mexican Jews?'

The waiter says, ‘I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.' He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, ‘No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'

Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with ‘Gringos’ replies, ‘I check once again, senor!' and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no Mexican Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!'

'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter, ' all we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.'

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Chuckle 1917

Chuckle 1917 (2nd time around)
(Phyl H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Where to bury her? ~ (2nd time around)
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Chuckle 1916

Chuckle 1916
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~Las Vegas ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.


You didn’t even see it coming did you?
Gotcha! Now it's your turn to tag someone else! Have a great day! ***

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Chuckle 1915

Chuckle 1915
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


?


~Guess whose due in two months????? ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

I thought that you would like to hear this from me and not from someone else. I know what you are probably thinking. This is supposed to be a secret, but the truth will eventually come out...... Please don't think that I am gossiping. Anyway guess who is due in 2 months????????
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Santa Claus Gotcha!!!











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Chuckle 1914

Chuckle 1914
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~My New Parrot ~ (2nd time around)
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Six Differences.)

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,

I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said


"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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Chuckle 1913

Chuckle 1913
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Horrible Highway Accident in Canada~
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This is very depressing to say the least. I am going to use this for the safety moment at the next BMT.

I almost cried when I saw this picture. It is absolutely gut wrenching. It shows the importance of being properly strapped in.

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Alberta. The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely, you can see what appears to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage. Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

My friend stayed on the scene to help and, even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, none of those survived.

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Chuckle 1912

Chuckle 1912
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~You Gotta Love a Good Nurse ~
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Six Differences.)

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: 'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week


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