Chuckle 2858

(Chuckle 2858)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Ice Fishing~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?" The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

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Chuckle 2857

(Chuckle 2857)

Chuckle 249 (Taken from my achieves.) sent out 2-23-04.
(Rick and Ann of Surrey BC get today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Bus Ride~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truism)

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says,

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2856

(Chuckle 2856)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Irish Ballerina~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)



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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2855

(Chuckle 2855)
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)




~A LIFE LESSON! ~ (Second time around)

(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing or hunting instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing or hunting," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing/hunting and golf.”

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2854

(Chuckle 2854)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks


~Blonde Trying to Help~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content.... As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a Blonde catches up... She jumps out of her car, runs up to his Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same Thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and Knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window... Again she says, "Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,

"Hi, my name is Kevin, its winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.........."

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2853

(Chuckle 2853)
(Nancy s of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Pecans In the Cemetery~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms)

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree, just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me, ‘said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices coming from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “one for you, one for me...”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what i heard! Satan and the lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!” The man said, “Beat it kid; can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk? When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “one for you and one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy you’ve been telling me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the lord......?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the lord.

At last they heard, “one for you and one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done...?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2852

(Chuckle 2852)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Irish Talking Clock~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet*.**

*What's that big brass gong? One of the guests asked. It’s not a gong it’s a
talking clock, the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously? Asked his
astonished friend. YUP, it is. How's it work? The friend asked. Watch.
The drunk picked up the mallet, gave the gong an Ear-shattering pound
and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, YOU ASSHOLE!
IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!

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Chuckle 2851

(Chuckle 2851)
(Charlie in Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~The Meaning of the Dot ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms)

The Dot! FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP. For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical advice.

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2850

(Chuckle 2850)
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Three Holy Men & a Bear~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard -
a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided
to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb... We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Chuckle 2849

(Chuckle 2849)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~PHONE REPAIR~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Adult Truths)

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone
company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and
that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right

before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone
pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with
a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when
the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning
and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus
causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems
CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Florence OR)

Chuckle 2848

(Chuckle 2848)
(Phyllis S in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~AFLAC Scam~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones (all are appearing sweet and innocent), divert their 'mark' (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth--and the eldest-- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pocket or purse for any valuables.

Scroll down to see photo of how it works.



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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2847

(Chuckle 2847)
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Exercise for People over 60~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Adult Truths)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

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(Adult Truths from Linda M of Gresham OR)

Chuckle 2846

(Chuckle 2846)
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)






Sometimes I’d rent a plane and we’d all go see grandma.

Most of the things on this list were on TV taken while Sheila and her two sisters
were sitting on my lap with a big bucket of pop-corn. This was a daily
happening after I got home from work.

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

(Chuckle 2845)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~ My Neighbor, Babe ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Truisms

This is my neighbor, Babe.

She's single and lives right across the street. I can see her house from my family room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door and I rushed to open it.

She looks at me and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

Without missing a heartbeat I immediately replied, “Nope, I'm free. I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

Man, it's no fun getting old!!!

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(Truisms from Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

Chuckle 2844

(Chuckle 2844)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Stars~ (Second time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘‘The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole the tent.'
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