Chuckle 2382

Going on a vaction for a while, See you next Friday. ---Mr Chuckles

Have a Good one!

Chuckle 2381

Chuckle 2381
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

This was taken from Chuckle 1021 sent out on June 4th 2007


~Chuckle 1021~
~Don’t Party in Mexico~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives hr last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Kentucky and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.***
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Marriage Humor:

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2380

Chuckle 2380
(Robert “Mac” M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Undies~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)


Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said: "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said: "I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

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Chuckle 2379

Chuckle 2379
(Chet and Phyllis S of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)

“Phyllis and Chet’s Mexican Maid”

~Our Mexican Maid~(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a Pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora.....the gardener did..'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'


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~Marriage Humor~

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2378

Chuckle 2378
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The Ventriloquist~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, ‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

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Chuckle 2377

Note; As usual no Monday Chuckle and because Lora is going to have a Carpal
Tunnel operation on Tuesday morning no Chuckle then either. To my Canadian Friends Monday is Victoria Day; enjoy!!!

Chuckle 2377
(Cathy B of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,


THE TRUE STORY OF WHY THE
CHICKEN CROSSED THE ROAD!!!!

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Wife : 'Do you! want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2376

Chuckle 2376
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The Aisle Seat~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Soldier sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Soldier kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Soldier, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'


As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Soldiers shoe and spat in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Soldiers other shoe and spat in it. When the Soldier returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.


As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'


Proud to be an American Soldier!
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Marriage Humor:

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Chuckle 2375

Chuckle 2375
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Martha vs. Maxine~ (Chuckle 423 from my Archives)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Martha's Way??
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Maxine's Way??
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

Martha's Way??
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Maxine's Way??
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's Way??
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Maxine's Way??
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

Martha's Way??
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.?

Maxine's Way??
Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!.
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2374

Chuckle 2374
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~PHONE REPAIR~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

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Chuckle 2373

Chuckle 2373
(Brenda N of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Kite Flying Info~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up
in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite..."

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2372

Chuckle 2372
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~How Adam Got Eve~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

There is nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you; she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!
She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'


Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for just a rib

Of course the rest is history............!!!!


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Chuckle 2371

Chuckle 2371
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Two Dogs Please~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

"I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously:

"What part did you get?"

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2370

Chuckle 2370
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~Communication Problems~ (Chuckle 450 sent out on 9-14-2004)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Swedish lady married an English gentleman and they lived happily in London. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausage links. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store.

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What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!
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Chuckle 2369

Chuckle 2369
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Go See Your Rabbi~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2368

Chuckle 2368
(Carrie M in Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Vacation Condo~ (Chuckle 444) sent to me on June 7th 2007
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Hi everybody,

We haven't said anything to anyone about this until now because we wanted to wait until things were final.

We just purchased a one-bedroom condo near Hanalei bay on Oahu, Hawaii, as an investment property. Escrow finally closed this week and we thought you guys should know, in case anyone is interested in accommodations for an upcoming getaway to the Islands. It's available for weekends or on a weekly basis. For now, we will be handling bookings until we can find an agent.

Weekends will cost about $100 for 3-nights and $250 for the week. These prices are for friends and family. Prices will be a bit different for people we don't know but can be discussed on an individual basis. In any case, it's a one-bedroom, high rise unit that overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush greens, and has a beautiful ocean view from every window!

Included is a photo. Let me know if you're interested.



My Question is; how do you make it to the door? ---Jerry---

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