Chuckle 3328

Chuckle 3328

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Rick in Surrey BC)

Happy with His Job

~New Wine Taster~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 differences.)

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  Low grade, but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." "Correct."

A third glass... ''It's a pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences;

 

Chuckle 3327 Classic

Chuckle 3327 Classic

Chuckle 108 (sent out in Oct 2003)

(Our thanks go to Mary of Los Osos CA for this Chuckle.)

~Driving To Slow:~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Nature pic’s from Rick)

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in front and three in the back. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
 exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman said a bit proudly.

 The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

 A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
 pointing out her error.

 "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't

muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asked.

 "Oh, they'll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route
 119!"

 (Today in History Click)
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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nature pic’s from Rick in Surrey BC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3326

Chuckle 3326 Classic

Chuckle 183 (Sent out in Dec 2003

(Today’s Chuckle comes to us from way down in Yuma AZ. Thanks go to Rich and Flo!)

~Mexican Jews:~( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 differences.)

  Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.  Sid asked Al if there were any Jewish people in Mexico. Sid said he didn't know, but he'd ask the waiter, which he did.

  The waiter told him he didn't know, but he would ask and promptly went into the kitchen. When he came out he said, no, no Mexican Jews.

  Al asked him if he was sure and the waiter said he would check again. While he was gone, Sid told Al that he couldn't believe that there were no Jews in Mexico. He said our people are scattered everywhere.

  But the waiter came back and said, no, no Mexican Jews.

Al asked him if he was really sure. Because he couldn't believe there are no Mexican Jews.

The waiter became exasperated and said, "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no Mexican Jews!”

 

(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

 

Find the six differences;

 

 

Chuckle 3325

Chuckle 3325 Classic

 Chuckle 283 (Sent out In March 2004)

 (Here are two chuckles, both from Rick up in Surrey BC.

Thanks Rick!)

~#1 How a Woman Thinks :~( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Nature Pic’s)

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

 

#2 Inheritance:   Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

_______________________________________________________ 

 

(Today in History Click)
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___________________________________________________________

 

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nature pic’s from Rick in Surrey BC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3324

Chuckle 3324

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~The Bridge~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Differences.)

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish....’

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I Wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge

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________________________________________________________

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences;

 

 

Chuckle 3323

Chuckle 3323
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Keith K of Florence OR.)

 ~The Man Who Hated Cats:~ (2^nd time around)( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Nature pic’s)

  A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

 

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

 

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....

 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

_______________________________________________________________

 

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nature pic’s from Rick in Surrey BC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3322

Chuckle 3322

(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Charlie M of Bradenton FL.)

~A Priest and a Rabbi~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 differences)

Ham sandwich

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."          

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"  The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." 

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.  Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Find the six differences;

 

Chuckle 3321

Chuckle 3321

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence)

~Mt. Vernon, Texas ... Whorehouse Sues Local Church over Lightning Strike! ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Nature pic’s from Rick)

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening, when lightning struck the whorehouse, started a fire, and burned it to the ground.

After the cat-house was destroyed by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week Jill 'Big Jugs’ Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility, or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

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 (Today in History Click)
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 ____________________________________________________________

Maxine

_____________________________________________

Nature pic’s from Rick in Surrey BC

 

Chuckle 3320

Chuckle 3320
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC)

~Plugged-Up Pachyderm~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 differences.)

  Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves - Shit happens.

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences;