Chuckle 2569

Chuckle 2569
(Nicki H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

“I have a praise.” (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine, + Calvin.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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Today in History Click
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Word for the day Click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(This is a new series from Mona L of Florence OR)
(Calvin’s Snowmen)


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Hope you have a wonderful day!

Chuckle 2568

Chuckle 2568
(Linda M of Springfield OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary~ (2nd time around). (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No". Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile" The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...." The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

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Today in History Click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2567

Chuckle 2567
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~100 MILE AN HOUR GOAT ~ (2nd time around)

The rednecks again....................

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(This is a new series from Mona L. of Florence OR)

(Calvin’s Snowmen)

Chuckle 2565

Chuckle 2565
(Mac M. of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Tiny Cabin~ (2nd time around)(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door, "Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This here's the outhouse!"

(Government workers are so smart.)

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA sent
this to me on Apr. 3rd 2001.)

You’re a redneck when;

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

This is the last of this series!

Chuckle 2563

Chuckle 2563
(Nicki H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Sleepless Seattle~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A beautiful young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into Puget Sound. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship.”I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe.”

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is", replied the captain. "This is the Bremerton Ferry."

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA sent this to

me on Apr. 3rd 2001.)

You’re a redneck when;

You have a complete set of salad bowls that all say Cool Whip on the side.

You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

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Have a good One!!

Chuckle 2562

Chuckle 2562
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Sweet Tea~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don’t swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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Today in History Click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)








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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2561

Chuckle 2561
(Keith K and Nicki H both of Florence OR get today's chuckle thanks.)

~A Cup of Tea ~ (2nd time around)(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.


Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA sent this to me
on Apr. 3rd 2001.)

You know you’re a redneck when;

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

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Have a Great Day!!

Chuckle 2559

Chuckle 2559
(Lora S. of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~A Crying Blonde~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'why don't you go home for the Day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

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Today in History Click
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Word for the day Click
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For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(Maxine from my own collection.)






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(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA sent this to

me on Apr. 3rd 2001.)

(You’re a Redneck when)
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.

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Have a good day!!

Chuckle 2558

Chuckle 2558
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~ The Good Napkins~ (2nd time around)(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

For those that had the joy of raising girls, or who were themselves girls in the old days.

THE GOOD NAPKINS
I think we are the last generation to know what 'napkins' are. THE GOOD NAPKINS ...
Ahhhhh !! The joys of having Girls.

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table (her third mistake).

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife, who gasped, then, began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a ‘special occasion Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!'

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)



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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)



















































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Chuckle 2556

Note: Lora and I will be on vacation for the next 2 weeks. Sorry no
chuckles until we get back. Check out the archives!

Chuckle 2556
(Bev L of Mt.Vernon WA and Linda M of Springfield OR get today's
chuckle thanks.)

Happy New Year, everyone!

~ Severe Weather Warning: 2 feet of snow~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)


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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2555

Chuckle 2555
(Keith K from Florence OR gets another chuckle thanks.)


~Letter to a husband from his wife~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)



Scroll all the way to the bottom after the picture!

To my darling husband:

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway.


Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pickup fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX



P.S. Your girlfriend called.

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Today in History Click
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For today's Horoscope click
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(Maxine from my own collection.)




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(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)