Chuckle 2179

Sorry about sending the wrong answer to yesterdays puzzle;
Correct answer.---


Chuckle 2179
(Nicky H of Florence OR and Rick R of Surrey BC get
today's chuckle thanks.)

~Syndrome Problem~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that...”

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS.......................But I was wrong, too!"

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Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Have a great day)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chuckle 2178

Chuckle 2178
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

You gotta love the Fireman for making this decision...

~Firemen's Revenge~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)


This is one of the best photos I've seen in years! I bet the driver won’t think he is above the law next time.


I've got one thing to say to the Firefighter who did this . . . that's the attitude I want if my house is on fire!! . --- Linda ---
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Chuckle 2177

Chuckle 2177
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


One Sunday morning,
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A priest decided to do something a little different. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind -- the pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said ‘SEX’. The congregation fell into total silence.


Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'

Pass this along and make someone smile today (I just did). Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.

Laugh... It burns calories

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Chuckle 2176

Chuckle 2176
(Cathy B of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

2+4=6

~That's How Math is Done~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven.

Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four

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Chuckle 2175

Chuckle 2175
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Wisdom to live by. ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

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Another Maxine

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Chuckle 2174

Chuckle 2174
(Linda M Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Doctor House Calls~ (Remember those ?)
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a young woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "You may be correct, but how did you arrive your diagnosis?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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Funny Headlines

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Apparently they were not fat enough.

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2173

Chuckle 2173
( Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Cake Mistake~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)


READ THE CAKE MESSAGE, THEN READ BELOW, THIS IS HILARIOUS!

Wal-Mart Cake It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture. Keep in mind this actually really did happen.

This cake is for someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.

So I imagine this conversation went:

Walmart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Walmarts, how can I hep you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Walmart Employee: 'What you want on da cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'

STOP LAUGHING!

You can't fix stupid.
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Chuckle 2172

Chuckle 2172
(Charlie M of Bradenton fl gets today's chuckle thanks.


~The potty ~

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book, but about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand. And hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy.. I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. but, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"


Billy says: "It works for ketchup."

.
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Funny headlines

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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Chuckle 2171

Chuckle 2171
(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Harley Hero~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine, + Funny Headlines.

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH"

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Funny Headlines

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

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Chuckle 2170

Chuckle 2170
(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)

~Outdoor Wildlife Sign~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Read the WHOLE sign all the way to the END!!!!


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Chuckle 2169

Chuckle 2169
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Letter from Scout camp ~ (There's a laugh in each paragraph.)
---Jerry---
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried... We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.


Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?


The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, its concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.


Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie
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Funny Headlines
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide ?

They may be on to something!

Have a good One!

Chuckle 2168

Chuckle 2168
(Jayne and John C who have moved from Florence to Clear Lake CA
gets today's chuckle thanks.) They don't have a server yet so it will
be some time before we hear from them again.


~Burma Shave signs~ I remember these well...........
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

For those youngsters who never seen any of the Burma-Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's '40's and '50's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma-Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.

They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet......& the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma-Shave, a popular shaving cream.

Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME IN
ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER
HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR
WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS
GROW
Burma Shave


Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child. If they do - then you're old as dirt... LIKE ME!

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Chuckle 2167

Chuckle 2167
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~$50 is $50~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and funny headlines.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

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Funny headlines
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ?

Who would have thunk it!
(Have a great day)
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Chuckle 2166

Chuckle 2166
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Grandma's boyfriend ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

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Chuckle 2165

Chuckle 2165
(Linda M of Florence/Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~The New Health Coverage In A Nutshell: ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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Chuckle 2164

Chuckle 2164
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Where've You Been? ~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill... But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pled 'guilty.' And 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

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Dumb headlines;

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

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