Chuckle 3006

(Chuckle 3006)

(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~"More Humane" Solution~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Cut me a little slack on this one---- The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovation

The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain't screwn' our sheep; they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order...

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Chucklr 3005

(Chuckle 3005)

(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Shampoo Warning ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads; "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!
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Chuckle 3004

(Chuckle 3004) Chuckle 242 Sent out in Feb 2004,

(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~A Blonde Looking for a Man: ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

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Chuckle 3003

(Chuckle 3003)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Your Duck is Dead!!~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet...

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it's now $150."

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(Smile awhile comes from Chet and Phyllis
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Chuckle 3002

(Chuckle 3002)

(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Irish Coffee~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?' Asked the doctor.

'Not a chance’, she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’...

'What is Irish Viagra?' she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again
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Chuckle 3001

(Chuckle 3001) Happy Birthday Carrie!

(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~At my Favorite Pub in Cork~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times

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Chuckle 3000

Chuckle 3000
Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

This is one of my favorites! --- Mr Chuckles---

~ Skinny Dipping~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,’ we’re not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned,’ I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,’ I’m here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

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Chuckle 2999

(Chuckle 2999)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~No Speak English~ (Second time around)

(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)

A Russian woman married an Australian and they lived happily ever after in Melbourne. The lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she left off her bra, walked to the shop, clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



(Please scroll down.)



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What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English....helloooooo !!!
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Chuckle 2998

(Chuckle 2998)

(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Seeing Eye Dog~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to take a walk."

Picture this... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

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Chuckle 2997

(Chuckle 2997)

(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Ashamed~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Smile Awhile)


Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school. Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital." Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed." "No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

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Chuckle 2996

(Chuckle 2996)

(Phyllis L of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~Lunch with the "Girls" ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.




10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.


10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.


10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.


10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later , the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.

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Chuckle 2995

(Chuckle 2995)

(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~IRS Questions~  (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and
Smile Awhile)

At the end of the tax year, the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the officer was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"?

Good question ," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.? "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" " Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

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Chuckle 2994

(Chuckle 2994)

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~The Obedient Italian Wife! ~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Italian wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an Italian Catholic & I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him.."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him??"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account; I wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

AMEN!

Send this to every clever Italian female you know and others, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than Italian women!!!


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Chuckle 2993

(Chuckle 2993)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks)

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Chuckle 2992

(Chuckle 2992)

(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today’s chuckle thanks)

~$7.00 Sex~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse... .’

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with
no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says,
'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

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