Chuckle 4618 Classic

Chuckle 4618 Classic

Chuckle 273 (Sent out in March 2004)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Rick R. in Surrey BC!)

LAWYER'S BLUNDER:  (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Today in History Click) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history (Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day) www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope) http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/ ______________________________________________________  Maxine   ____________________________________________________ Herman   Herman

Chuckle 4617 Classic

Chuckle 4617 Classic

Chuckle 377 (Sent out in July 2004)

(Mary in Los Osos CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~THE MAN AND THE OSTRICH~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.  

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke, "and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"  

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.  

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.  

"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.  

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."  

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.  

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.  

"The usual?" asks the waitress.  

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.  

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.  

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.  

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"  

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."  

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"  

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.  

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"  

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

Maxine

________________________________________________________

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

Chuckle 4616 Classic

Chuckle 4616 Classic

Chuckle 589 (Sent out in Feb 2005)

(Rick R in Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Words Soon To Be Extinct~

(As I read this it really brought back memories.) ---Jerry---

Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."  Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.  Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to them.

Remember "Continental kits?"  They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?"  At some point  "parking brake" became the proper term.  But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - “store-bought."  Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.  But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or  a store-bought bag of candy.

Maybe more later.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

________________________________________________

Maxine

 _______________________________________________

Herman

Chuckle 4615

Chuckle 4615

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Holly S of Chicago IL)

~Thoughts from Holly~ (Second time around.) (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

1. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

2. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

3. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

4. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

5. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

6. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

7. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

8. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

9. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

10. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?

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 (Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

Maxine

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s