Chuckle 1796

Chuckle 1796
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Ministery~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags; my heart was touched by this person’s condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,’ I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!'




So I did..........

Won't be in Sunday School Class this week!! ***
_________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)

>


>


>


Schipperke

_______________________________________________________

Have a good one!!

Chuckle 1795

Chuckle 1795
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Calgary, Alberta!)


~Out of Gas~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

>

>

>

>

>

_______________________________________________________

P.S. Did you hear about the war between the Newfies and the Nova Scotians?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades: The Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and lobbing them back.
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Airedale Terrier

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1794

Chuckle 1794
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~A WHAT?? ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

My four-year old Grandson is learning to read.

Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!' I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the picture!'
...and so it does...


Scroll down


>


>


>


>




' A f r i c a n Elephant

'Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? ***

______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________


(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>

Akita

________________________________________________________

“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1793

Chuckle 1793
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)

~Medical Condition~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A man and a woman were sitting beside each otherin the first class section of an airplane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wipedher nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.The man went back to his reading.A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took atissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the manwas still curious about the shuddering.A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezedyet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose,her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrainhis curiosity, the man turned to the woman,"I couldn't help but notice" he said,” t hat you've sneezedthree times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.Are you ok?""I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a veryrare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious."I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Areyou taking anything for it?"The woman nodded, "Black Pepper." ***

________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Schnauzer
___________________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1792

Chuckle 1792
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~New Alphabet~ (It all rhymes)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A was for apple, and B was for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float.

Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's now be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, and won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory. I forget! What comes next?
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T's for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W's for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z's for the zest I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!! ***
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Yorkshire Terrier

________________________________________________________

Have a good one!!

Chuckle 1791

Chuckle 1791
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)


~Crying in the Park~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."


I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!" ***



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Whippet

_____________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1790

Chuckle1790
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Crushed Essentials ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM." ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)



>


>


>


Welsh Corgi

________________________________________________________

Have a super day!

Chuckle 1789

Chuckle 1789
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charlene S of Florence OR!)

~Who Does What ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....."HEBREWS" ***

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Shih Tzu
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1788

Chuckle 1788
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~The Ugly Frog ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I’m so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home. You won't ever be sorry.'

The old lady figured what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'Kiss me and you won't be sorry.'

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

The prince then returned the old lady's kiss. Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now can you guess what the old lady turned into? Come on guess! Ooooooohhhhhhh come on -- dont be a poop!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

She turned into the first holiday inn she could find!!!

She's old.......not dead!!!!! Old ladies rock ***

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Scottish Terrier

________________________________________________________

Chuckle 1787

Chuckle 1787
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA!)

~Quickie ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted. A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just drove by" A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson’s have company", he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving" "Jason is on his skate board...." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,

"How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too." ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

P.S. From Phyllis and Chet;

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send CASH, VODKA, WINE, GROCERY CERTIFICATES, GASOLINE VOUCHERS and OLD COUNTRY BUFFET FREE COUPONS instead?

Thank you!

Love, Chet and Phyllis

______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)

>


>


>


Saint Bernard

_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1786

Chuckle 1786
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~It could be Like the Good Old Days~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

After being married for 44 years, i took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but i got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Rottweiler

________________________________________________________

Chuckle 1785

Chuckle 1785
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~The Blonde Handywoman~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing the neighborhoods.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes..."

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge..."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added.... "It’s not a Porch -- it's a Lexus!”

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_____________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)


>


>


>


Rhodesian Ridgeback (Got ya that time!)

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Chuckle 1784

Chuckle 1784
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Computer Problems~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day,

Today’s Horoscope and yesterdays 6 differences.)

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.

‘Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.... ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)

>


>


>


Lhasa Apso

______________________________________________________

Here is yesterday 6 differences;

Have a super good day.

Chuckle 1783

Chuckle 1783
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!)


~Wally~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and Six Differences.)

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

Again he is ready for more 'action.'

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it..... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: .......'You mean I was here already?' ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)

>


>


>


Irish Setter

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, answers below.)

Sorry no 6 differences today because of tech problems.

Chuckle 1782

Chuckle 1782
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Two blind pilots~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die." ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Do you know the breed of this Dog?
Answer below.)




>


>


>


Great Pyrenees

_______________________________________________________

“Have a nice day!”


________________________________________________________