Chuckle 1956

Chuckle 1956
(Jayne C Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~The Wal-Mart Cat ~ (2nd time around)
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A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, who was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart!

Why WAL-MART???

HELLOOOOOOOOO! ?

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!

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Take it easy tonight!!

Chuckle 1955

Chuckle 1955
(Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~I Fish On Fridays~
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A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

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Chuckle 1954

Chuckle 1954
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Getting Old~
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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Chuckle 1953

Chuckle 1953
(Bev L of Mt Vernon WA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

(Police dog after quick stop)


~Why We Love Children! ~
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POLICE
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

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Chuckle 1952

Chuckle 1952
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~Grandma's Honest Truth~(2nd time around)
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Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair." ***

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Chuckle 1951

Merry X'mas to all my readers and

hopefully a good new year coming up.

~Chuckle 1951~
(Rick R of Surry BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

USMC F/A-18 Hornet

~Radar Blooper~
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Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15 near MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.***

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Chuckle 1950

Chuckle 1950
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Lora S of Florence OR!)

~Wall-Mart Episode~
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Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had…an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Golden Retriever's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. ***

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1949

Chuckle 1949
(George H of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~WHAT'S IN A NAME? ~
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Six Differences.)


A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

"Hi. My name is Carmen", she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, “Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer". ***

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Chuckle 1948

Chuckle 1948
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~RETARDED GRANDPARENTS~ (2nd time around)
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(This was actually reported by a teacher) [I doubt that, ---Jerry---]
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody ca n escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.***

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Have a good one!

Chuckle 1947

Chuckle 1947
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Sore body~
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AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

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From my Maxine collection;

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Chuckle 1946

Chuckle 1946
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Weeweechu."~ Remember this one?
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It was a romantic full moon when Pedro said, "Hey , mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now. Let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby. Let's you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

"Please, corazoncito? Just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK. One time, we'll do Weeweechu."

So Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang,

Keep Scrolling……………






"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas. Weeweechu a Merry Christmas. Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"


Merry Christmas!
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

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Never loose your sense of Humor!

Chuckle 1945

Chuckle 1945
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~SEVEN EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS ~ (some 2nd time around)
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1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths ', I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Sub mitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive'

Submitted by Dr. Steve Swanson, Corvallis , OR

5. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY---
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'
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Chuckle 1944

Chuckle 1944
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~ Moms in Group Therapy.....~
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.’ You all have obsessions,' he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.


You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.


Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.


This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

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Have a nice day!

Chuckle1943

Chuckle 1943
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Bail-Out Explained~
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Six Differences.)

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died. Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back. The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already. Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the horse. The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off. The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse! Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell any body he's dead. A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that horse? Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998. The farmer said 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back. Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out". ***

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huckle 1942

Chuckle 1942
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~A Letter from Santa Clause~
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From Santa to revenue Collector;

I'm writing this letter to tell you That taxes have taken away
All the things that I needed. My reindeer, my workshop and
my sleigh.

I am making my rounds on a donkey. He's old, he's tired, and he's slow.
So you'll know if I miss you this Christmas------------- I'm out on my ass in the snow'

Sincerely yours, Santa Clause

I couldn’t find a picture with Santa sitting on his Ass. So you’ll just have to be satisfied with this. ---Mr Chuckles---

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Chuckle 1941

Chuckle 1941
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Yep!!! This pretty much says it all.
Needs no additional comments!!!

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