Chuckle 1985

Chuckle 1985
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~New Years Resolution ~
(Plus; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
6 differences.)

Dear friends:

There were probably many, many times this year when I may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got on your nerves So today I just wanted to tell you.....

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Tough Shit!

There are no changes scheduled for 2009!

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Chuckle 1984

Chuckle 1984
(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Unhappy woman with flat tire.

~A Woman Had a Flat Tire~ (2nd time around)
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Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, I carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. Cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, "Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!!!

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1983

Chuckle 1983
(Nadine W Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Little girl
~Cup of Tea ~
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

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Chuckle 1982

Chuckle 1982
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’

~Where Did the White Man Go Wrong? ~
(It’s Tough to Argue with This One.)
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Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the White man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the White man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When White man find land, Indians running it....no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spends all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

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Have a good one!!

Chuckle 1981

Chuckle 1981
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~The cause of Arthritis~
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A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be damned!" and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
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Chuckle 1980

Chuckle 1980
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

“California”

~Californians~
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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this.

You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember. . Is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . Is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they give you one.

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Chuckle 1979

Chuckle 1979
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)

~Let's talk~ (2nd time around)
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?



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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1978

Chuckle 1978
(Jayne C of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~ YOU GOTTA LOVE A GOOD NURSE~
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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well soon....from the nurse in the Sports compact car you pulled over last week!”

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Chuckle 1977

Chuckle 1977
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Doughboy dies at 71~
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jamima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children; John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1976

Chuckle 1976
(Bev L of Mt Vernon WA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Finding Inner Peace~
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace, for the New Year, of course. So Happy New Year! ---Bev---

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Chuckle 1975

Chuckle 1975
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~THE OLDER CROWD ~
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life??’

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 'I 'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS'.'

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Chuckle 1974

Hi everybody; Lora’s mother has been quite ill and we are going to Eugene to care for her for a couple of days. So no chuckles until I return. Sorry!! ---Jerry---


Chuckle 1974
(Doris K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Step 1 Wash Elephant well

~ Elephant Stew~ (Old African Recipe)
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Elephant Stew.
1 Elephant, Medium Size
2 Rabbits (Optional)
Salt & Pepper to taste
Brown Gravy

Cut elephant into small bite-sized pieces. This should take about two months. Add enough brown gravy to cover. Cook over a hot fire for about four weeks. This will serve 3800 people.

If more are expected, two rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as some people do not like to find a hare in their stew.

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Have a Good one!!




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Chuckle 1973

Chuckle 1973
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

How time flies clock!
~Retirement Dinner~ (2nd time around)
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the local Chicago parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

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Chuckle 1972

Chuckle 1972
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~The Cowboy's Horse~
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1971

Chuckle 1971
(Lora S of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~LET GRANDMA LEAN ~ (2nd time around) ?
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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew....
.
. 'Son's a bitches won't let me fart.'

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