Chuckle 2021

Chuckle 2021
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~Flying Lessons~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope
and 6 differences.)


My wife started taking flying lessons and she got her license shortly that same year. Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Bolingbrook Clow Field because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating. The absence of a post- crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was really lucky.



Broom

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Chuckle 2020

Chuckle 2020
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

lidded Iron pot

~Chicken Surprise~
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Chicken Surprise A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
(You're going to love this.................. You're going to hate yourself for loving this...)


'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

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Chuckle 2019

Chuckle 2019
(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Viagra Pills

~Grandma & Grandpa~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope.)

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

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Rots of Ruck today!!

Chuckle 2018

Chuckle 2018
(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Earth from Space

~Global Facts~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope
and 6 differences.)


The Global Facts... ( Did you do a door to door survey Jack?)
At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 lonely bugger is reading e-mails.

“You hang in there sunshine!”

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Chuckle 2017

Chuckle 2017
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready got this from Audrey via a friend
in Singapore gets today’s chuckle thanks!) Go figure!

Parking tickets

~Can't Wait to Retire ~ (2nd time around with new twist.)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope)

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 2016

Chuckle 2016
(Doris K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)




~New Dentist. ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

My name is Alice smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. .

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. 'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang’ he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked-

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!’ I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked,

'What did you teach???'
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Chuckle 2015

Chuckle 2015
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Light at the end of the tunnel.

~'Is my time up?'~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope)

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'

(You'll love this)




God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
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Chuckle 2013

Chuckle 2013
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Tired Dog~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is

and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

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Chuckle 2012

Chuckle 2012
(Anonymous gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Breaking-up~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope.)

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever .I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers .You ate in two minutes, and went straight to bed after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
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Dear Ex-Husband - Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter .It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've ~. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I don't know when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. The price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed; Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

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Have a good one!

Chuckle 2011

Chuckle 2011
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Questions and Answers from AARP Forum~
(Plus; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
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(Note; Yes, the last one comes to mind, yesterday.... ---Pat---)

From the American Association of Retired People
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

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Chuckle 2010

Chuckle 2010
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~68 AND PREGNANT~ (2nd time around)
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A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What the heck is wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said...

"Does she still have the hiccups?

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Try to have a good day maybe

your stimulus will arrive!

Chuckle 2009

Chuckle 2009
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Airport security.

~SOUTHERN CHARM~ (2nd time around)
(Plus; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
6 differences.)

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport security.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying,

"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.

The lady from the South commented,

"Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" said the first woman.

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying

"Who gives a shit?"

I learned to say,

"Well, isn't that precious?"

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Chuckle 2008

Chuckle 2008
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Silver gravy ladle.

~Having Mom over for Dinner~ (2nd time around)
(Plus; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
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Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship--why did Brian have a female roommate? Upon meeting Jennifer, mom was even more curious. While watching the two interact over the course of the evening, she continued to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

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Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
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Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

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Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!! !

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Chuckle 2007

Chuckle 2007
(Jayne C of Florence gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Pink Envelope

~Pink Envelope~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope.)

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated. 'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my grandson sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your grandson is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

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“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 2006

Chuckle 2006
(Joyce K of Florence AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Elderly Woman and an Antiwar Protester~
(Plus; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
6 differences.)

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.


The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture o f friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'


The old woman looked up at her and said, 'Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam All three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.'


~God Bless America~
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