Chuckle 2910

(Chuckle 2910)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Affairs 5 and 6 of 6~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Chuckle 2909

(Chuckle 2909)
(Charlie M of Sunny Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~6 Affairs~ con’t from yesterday (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Nancy’s Cartoons.)


The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'


The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.' Affairs 5 and 6 will appear in tomorrows Chuckle.

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This is the last of this series.

Chuckle 2908

(Chuckle 2908)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~6 Affairs~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You liar! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
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Chuckle 2907

(Chuckle 2907)
(Rich and Flo from sunny Yuma AZ get today's Chuckle thanks)

~Mujibar~ (Second time around) ((Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and (Nancy’s Cartoons and signs.)

We've all talked to this guy. At last, a picture of him.


Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, You have passed all the tests, except one. It is a simple test of your English language skills Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, you must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, And I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!
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Chuckle 2906

(Chuckle 2906)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)






~Life Explained~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform... How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service... If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

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Chuckle 2905

(Chuckle 2905)
(Robert J of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Military Chuckles~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Nancy’s
Signs & Cartoons.)

1. An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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2. "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman said. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

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Chuckle 2904

(Chuckle 2904)
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Senior Traveling ~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. As can be expected, they gladly accepted and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.

Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
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Chuckle 2903

(Chuckle 2903)
(Bev L of Mt Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks)


~Old Man ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Nancy’s Cartoons.)

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, ‘When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'


Neighbors feared him they believed he practiced magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

And you know men won't ask for directions...

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Chuckle 2902

(Chuckle 2902)
(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Bubba's New Ford Truck~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?"

"Tammie give it to me." Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

"I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!"


Tammie

"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
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Chuckle 2901

(Chuckle 2901)
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~The Ostrich~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Nancy’s Cartoons.)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."


WELL HELLO !!!!!!

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2900

(Chuckle 2900)
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar....

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

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Chuckle 2899

(Chuckle 2899)
(Mary now deceased sent this to me July 2004)


~Dear Tide: ~ (Second time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and
Nancy’s Cartoons.)

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I have used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started to become a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out by using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of Liquid Tide With Bleach Alternative. To my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well that the detectives came by yesterday and told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. It was quite a relief!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Signed, A Relieved Menopausal Wife

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Chuckle 2898

(Chuckle 2898)
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's Chuckle thanks)



~Grandma's Boyfriend ~ (Second time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my old TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh .... I'm happy with my old TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started banging the backside of the TV with her hand, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

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Chuckle 2897

(Chuckle 2897)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)


~Upper Deck??~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Nancy’s Cartoons.)

Currently SANTACO is only flying in Mexico, but hopes to introduce further services to San Diego and Los Angeles later this year. FAA says they will be trying to stop the planes as they are unsure about their airworthiness.

SANTACO said that they will not be beaten on price.

A spacious Business Class is available on the upper deck.

There is no baggage fee for the first 10 bags. No baggage weight limit.

No fee to change flights to another date or time.

Just show up and the kids fly free. Half price fares on Tuesdays.

Mexican style meals are served with tacos, burritos, rice and beans.

Cerveza is complimentary.

BYOB for Tequila or Mescal.

Parachutes are optional.

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Chuckle 2896

(Chuckle 2896)
(Bev of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks)


~Blind Cashier at Cabela's ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Ok ...all you fisherman...top this one.... ---Bev---

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway...... He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word. Error! Filename not specified.

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