Chuckle 3252

Chuckle 3252

(Gary B of La Habra CA gets todays chuckle thanks.)

~Easy fix~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!)

We need to send "Bert from maintenance" to Wash DC.

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.  But if you ARE, you might appreciate it even more!

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment; they verified the report as accurate. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed JUST AHEAD of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

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(Today in History Click)
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 ________________________________________________________

 (Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!! From Phyllis in Pasadena CA
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

 

Chuckle 3251

Chuckle 3251

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

~It's All In Your Perspective. ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy:  "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna:  "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna:  "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

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(Today in History Click)
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 _____________________________________________________

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 _____________________________________________________

 Find the six differences;

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3250

Chuckle 3250

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL. gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Blonde On A Plane ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!!)

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class Section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde Bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy

She will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest

This blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, first class isn't going to Toronto."

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 (Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!! From Phyllis in Pasadena CA

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'.

 

Chuckle 3249

Chuckle 3249

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Willie in Sacramento!)

~Women vs. Men ~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,  )

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding. 

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

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(Today in History Click)
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 (Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences; See answer below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Cloud, flower, chimney ,duck's wing,  pants,  and tree.

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3248 Classic

Chuckle 3248 Classic

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Chuckle 135 (Sent out in Oct 2003)

(Thanks go to Rick and Ann of Surrey, BC for this Chuckle.)

~Afghanistan Football Player:~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!)

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. Had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brought  him to the States and taught him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted was to call his mother. "Mom," he said into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said. "You deserted us. You are no longer my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleaded. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorted. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully said, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

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 ______________________________________________________ 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________________________________

 

They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!! From Phyllis in Pasadena CA

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

 

Chuckle 3247 Classic

Chuckle 3247 Classic

(Nadine from Carpinteria CA gets todays chuckle thanks.)

Chuckle 53 (Sent out in July 2003)

~The Preacher: ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences)

The preacher rose with a red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends you
were a wizard under the sheets."
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(Today in History Click)
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 (Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________ 

Find the six differences; for puzzle click clip.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3246

Chuckle 3246

(Rick of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Dummy on His Knee~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!!)

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

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(Today in History Click)
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______________________________________________________

 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________________________

 

 

From Phyllis in Pasadena CA
~Serenity~  

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

 

Chuckle 3245

Chuckle 3245 Classic

Chuckle 428 (sent out in Aug. 2004)
(Jayne in Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Farmer’s Pond~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.  One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

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(Today in History Click)
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________________________________________________________

 

(Maxine)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

___________________________________________________

Find the six differences; for puzzle click clip.