Chuckle 3850 Classic

 

(I’ll be on a vacation for the next two weeks so I will not be sending any  more chuckles until we return)  ---Jerry---

Chuckle 3850 Classic

Chuckle 435 (Sent out in Aug 2004)

(Today's chuckle was sent to us by Dean O of Florence OR. Thanks Dean!)

~INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6-Diff’s)

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan! 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

5-29 Crypts

Chuckle 3849 Classic
Chuckle 51 (Sent out in July 2003)          One just for Bev!!
(Thanks go to Bev and Dick of Florence for this little tid bit.

Groaner: (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman

At Baltimore-Washington International Airport BWI) today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

  Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.   He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

**************************************************************************

(Carrie M sent a few quotes from famous women.)

Today, we will study the quotes from women:

   I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".       (Eleanor Roosevelt)

  Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.      (Charlotte Whitton)

   The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.    (Jilly Cooper)

   The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.    (Lucille Ball)

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________________

Herman

 

Chuckle 3848 Classic

Chuckle 3848 Classic
Chuckle 60 (sent out in Aug 2003)

(Thanks go to Mary of Los Osos CA for this chuckle.) (Mary is now deceased)

~Is the Cat There? ~( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

  A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

  Just as he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

  The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

   Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

   He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

   Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

  "Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

   Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 ________________________________________________________

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3847 Classic

Chuckle 3847 Classic
Chuckle 166 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Rick (Now deceased) in Surrey BC)

~Bar Code:~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

The cashier moves the cucumber over the bar code reader. "That will be $65 for the cucumber please."   The lady customer goes, "What? ........."

   The next guy in the checkout line wants a box of matches. Again the bar code reader says $32. "That will be $32 for the matches, sir" said the cashier.

  "What? There must be something wrong with that reader!"

"Sorry sir, if the machine reads the codes to be $32, it IS $32."

  The man puts the matches down on the counter and says: "You know what you can do with a $32 box of matches!" 

"Sorry sir can't do. There is already a $65 cucumber up there."

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 (Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

Maxine

 

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Herman

 

 

 

Chuckle 3846 Classic

Chuckle 3846 Classic
Chuckle 451 (sent out in Sept 2004)

(Today's chuckle thanks go to Carrie M in Sacramento!)

~Girls Night Out~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her behind that said, "From All of Us at the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

 

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________________

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________ 

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

Chuckle 3845

Chuckle 3845
Holly S of Chicago Ill gets today’s Chuckle thanks.)

~Bathtub Test~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman!)

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

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 (Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 ________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3844

Chuckle 3844
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Gary B of LA Habra CA)

~Confessional Problems~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!!!

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 (Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

____________________________________________________________

Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3843

Chuckle 3843

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~A Nice Story ~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

________________________________________

 Dear Kean Elementary:  God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away.. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.  The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.

 Sincerely, Agnes

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

Herman

 

Chuckle 3842

Chuckle 3842

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J. of Florence OR)

~Cockpit Announcement~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

 

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.  Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a uneventful flight. 

So, sit back, relax, and...  OH...MY GOD!"

 Silence followed....................... 

  Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

 "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

 From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus you should see the back of mine!"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 ______________________________________________

Maxine

 

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s---

 

 

 

Chuckle 3841

Chuckle 3841
Chuckle 193 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

(Today’s chuckle came to us from Rick and Ann of Surrey BC. Thanks go to both of you!)

~Verge~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" 

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

___________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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