Chuckle 3889

Chuckle 3889
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Donkey Wisdom~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

 So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."

 The king was polite and considerate. He replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

 However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

 Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

 The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 So the king hired the donkey.

 And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy the highest and most influential positions.

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Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3888

Chuckle 3888
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Elva B of Caldwell ID)

~Wall-Mart Greeter~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

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 ______________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3887

Chuckle 3887 Classic

Chuckle 461 (Sent out in Sept 2004)

(My daughter Carrie sent me today's chuckle along with the address of a good tattoo artist. Thanks Carrie!)

~Tattoo for Dad~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

 

Chuckle 3886

Chuckle 3886
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence OR)

~Willie Nelson at 80~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

"I have outlived my pecker."
A Poem - by Willie Nelso
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

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 _______________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3885

Chuckle 3885 Classic
Chuckle 21 (Sent out in June of 2003)

~You’ve Gotta Love Those Indiana Women! ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from Indiana. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

   The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

   Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with
groceries."

   The fellow from Indiana was married to a woman who
had grown up in Indiana all her life. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3884

Chuckle 3884 Classic
Chuckle 39 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

(Sent to me from Clark who lives in Sacramento CA)

~Love Dress!!~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

 A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.   She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

  "What are you doing?" she asked.

  "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

   "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

   "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

   "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

   The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

  Finally, her husband came home.

  He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

  "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

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 ______________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 DIFF'S

Chuckle 3883

Chuckle 3883 Classic

 Chuckle180 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

(Today’s chuckle was sent to us by Rick and Ann of Surrey BC. Thanks to both of you!)

~Down on the Farm:~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

  A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."

"Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?"

"No sir, he went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

   "Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy

politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to

borry one; or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

   Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk

to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter,

Pearly Mae, pregnant."

  The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that ,"he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar, but I don't know how much he gets for Joe."

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3882 Classic

Chuckle 3882 Classic
Chuckle 480 (Sent out in Oct. 2004)

(Rick in Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~A Question for Grandpa~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

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 _______________________________________________________

Maxine

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Eye exercise time; Spot the 6 diff’s

Click the clips

Chuckle 3881

Chuckle 3881
Chuckle 177 (Sent out in Dec 2003)

(Thanks go to Rich and Ursula of Scotts Valley, CA. for today’s chuckle!)

~Senior Check-up~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

  After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

  The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

   "Oh that crazy old fool," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

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 _______________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3880

Chuckle 3880
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence)

Note: (This story is close to home for Mac since he was a Chief Petty Officer)

~Why Chief Petty Officers are always honest~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

One day, while an old Sailor was cutting the branch off a tree high above a river, his ax fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

 The Chief replied that his ax had fallen into water, and he needed the ax to supplement his meager pension.

 The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

 The Chief replied, “No".
 
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your Ax?" the Lord asked.

 Again, he replied, "No Lord."

 The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your Ax?" the Lord asked. The the Chief replied,

"Yes." The Lord was pleased with his honesty and gave him all three axes  to keep, and he went home happy.

 Sometime later the Chief was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

 "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
 
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yup that's her," cried the Chief.

 The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
 
The Chief replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

 And God was pleased. 

 The moral of this story is:  Whenever a Chief lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only for the benefit of others!

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 ________________________________________________________________________

Maxine

 

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3879

Chuckle 3879
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Mac M of Florence)

~Skinny Dipping~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. '

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3878

Chuckle 3878

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~ 24 HOURS TO LIVE~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....

Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

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Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3877 Classic

Chuckle 3877 Classic
Chuckle 301 (sent out in April 2004)

(George H. in Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Senior on the Operating Table~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

An older Jewish gentleman was on the
operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and
just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me ..
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
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 _____________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman