Chuckle 5262

Chuckle 5262 Floppy

~Down Goes The Zipper! ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman)

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and

it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight

to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up

easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How

dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Herman

Chuckle 5261

Chuckle 5261

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~Dilemma~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While in route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.'

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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 Sign

Chuckle 5260

Chuckle 5260 Classic

Chuckle 275 (First sent out in Mar 2004)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Mary S. of Los Osos CA for the 1st and Dean O. of Florence OR for the 2^nd!)

Irish Confessional: (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 Diff’s )

   A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

   The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'; there's no paper on this side either.

~God Sometimes Thinks Twice:~

   A man walking along an Oregon beach was deep in prayer.  Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I shall grant you one wish."

  The man said, "I would like a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."

  The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.  The piers required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!  It would nearly exhaust several natural resources. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

  The man thought about it for a long while. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, and what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make her truly happy."

  The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5259

Chuckle 5259 Classic

Chuckle 134 (Last sent was in Nov 2018)

(Pat Mahoney of Florence, OR sent this one to us, thanks Pat!)

Note: With all these blonde stories we’ve been receiving lately. I wonder if this might be “National Blonde Week”

~RECTUM DEODORANT:~(Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

A blonde walked into a pharmacy and asked the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explained to the woman that they didn't sell rectum deodorant, and never had.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," said the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," said the blonde. 

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asked the pharmacist

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returned with the container and handed it to the pharmacist who looked at it and said to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatched the container back and read out loud from the container,

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5258

Chuckle 5258 from saved Emails

~Bad Language~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.  "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother Superior.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a telephone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment ...

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the ....... putt, didn't you?"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5257

Chuckle 5257

(From Saved Emails received in April 2002)

~THIS IS REALLY INTERESTING..~. I THOUGHT I KNEW
EVERYTHING !  (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s )

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5256

Chuckle 5256

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bill P of Florence OR)

~Where is the justice? ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign)

Here's a sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations.  A good friend of my son, after 7 years of medical school and training, has been fired for one minor indiscretion.  He had sex with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.  What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.  This just goes to show you, that one minor mistake can ruin your life.

 Thoughts and prayers for him and his family.  He really is a great guy and was a brilliant veterinarian.

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5255

Chuckle 5255 From Saved Emails

~Assertiveness!~  (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman)

    A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and gave him a book on assertiveness, which he began to
read on the way home.
  He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man straightened his shoulders, stormed into the house and walked right up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he bellowed, ”From now on,
I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!
  Go fetch my slippers, newspaper and pipe and fix me a very dry martini. Then get into the kitchen and prepare me a gourmet meal.   When I'm finished eating
 my meal, I will expect a sumptuous dessert.
   After dinner, you are going to draw my bath, light fragrant candles and play soft music, so I can relax.
And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

'The funeral director", said his wife.  

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Herman