Chuckle 5287

Chuckle 5287 Classic

(Sent out in Sept 2004)

Chuckle 415

(Mary in Los Osos CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Me Want Coffee~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5286

Chuckle 5286

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy S in Sun City AZ)

~Doctor Visit~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s)

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta love Grandma’s

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A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.  The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."  Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."  A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

 (Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope

http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5285

Chuckle 5285 Floppy

Was received in Mar 2001.

~The elderly! ~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Herman)

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph.

He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22"was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.

Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5284

Chuckle 5284

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy of Sun City AZ)

~Taxi Ride~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining hard and all of the prostitutes were standing under awnings along the sidewalks.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turned around and said, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he asked, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the cab driver, reluctantly answered, "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asked, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She loudly answered, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Sign

Chuckle 5283

Chuckle 5283

Chuckle 232 (Sent out in April 2018)

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Carrie in

Sacramento CA!)

~The Queen: ~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s)

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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Chuckle 5281

Chuckle 5281 Classic

Chuckle 18 Sent out in June 2003

~Parrot for a Pet ~ ( Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  6 diff’s)

      A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company

at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't

be so much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

   She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

  "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

   The owner looked at her and said, " Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

  The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the parrot anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

  The bird looked around the room, then looked at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

  The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that'snot so bad."

   When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

  The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

  Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said "Hi Keith!"

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5280

Chuckle 5380

 (Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA)

Second time around

~ Senior  Drivers..??~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and Sign )

My  neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that  came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front  lawn.
 

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and  sat her down on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he said with  excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am,"  she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough  that I don't even need a driver's license anymore The last time I went to my  doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him  yes and handed it to him.  He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the  license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't  need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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No. 16

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Sign

Chuckle 5279

Chuckle 5279 Floppy

Received in March 2001

~Jail~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and 6 Diff’s)

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?"

She asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?' "

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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6 Diff’s

Chuckle 5278

Chuckle 5278 Classic

Chuckle 129

Thanks go to Mary of Los Osos, CA for this still funny chuckle!) I thought I had sent this out as a chuckle before but couldn’t find in my Chuckle List.

~An Honest Answer To An Honest Question:~ (Plus: Today in history, Word for the day, Today’s horoscope, Aunty Acid and  Sign )

  Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
 

  Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

   Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

   When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire.

   When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

   He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . . .all of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

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No. 14

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Sign

Chuckle 5277

Chuckle 5277 Classic

Chuckle 233

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Mary in

Los Osos, CA!)

Church Bulletins: 

The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)

Preach it!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.

The Power of Prayer
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

After the worship service...This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://www.prokerala.com/astrology/horoscope/

No. 12

6 Diff’s