Chuckle 1844

Chuckle 1844
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~With Age Comes Wisdom~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A guy is 82 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn in to the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride.'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.' ***

________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Latest Maxine’s)



________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1843

Chuckle 1843
(Nancy S of Sheraton WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~DANCING PROSPECTOR ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's butt?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Latest Maxine’s)


________________________________________________________

Have a Good one!

Chuckle 1842

Chuckle 1842
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



'Wooden Leg Insurance'
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others!!!

'Wooden Leg Insurance’ A man and his wife, moved back home to Newfoundland, from Ontario. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland, they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00. ***




This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

Quotes from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

Tenth ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Good Advice: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

So much for Will Rogers ---Jerry---

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1840

Chuckle 1840
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Little Boy on the Bus ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied ‘My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said ‘My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'

The priest, getting impatient, said ‘I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ‘Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

Quotes from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1839

Chuckle 1839
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

Da Vinci’s God

~'Where is God?' ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time,' (I just LOVE reading this next line...)

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

Quotes from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

11. Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

______________________________________________________

Have a good Day!!

Chuckle 1838

Chuckle 1838
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Holy Humor~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please Stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


=========


Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

~Quotes from Will Rogers ~

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1837

Chuckle 1837
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat M of Florence AZ!)


Retired with a job, a new spin.
~What is my Job you ask?? ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it, too!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

Quotes from Will Rogers

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

________________________________________________________

Have a Good One!!

Chuckle 1836

Chuckle 1836
(Willie F of Sacramento CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~GET THEE TO THY NUNNERY~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye that Reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drives on and soon he sees another sign SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize the signs are for real... He passes a third sign, saying

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot, is a stone building with a small Sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps, and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long, black habit, who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in doing business." “Very well, my son.... Please follow me. "

The man is led through a winding passage, and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does, and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door... "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, and trots eagerly down the hall. He slips through the door, and finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another sign

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.... SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER ***




This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________
(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

Quotes from Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1835

Chuckle 1835
(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Ham Sandwich~

A Priest and a Rabbi~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.' The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “It sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?” ***

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Quotes from Will Rogers;

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
________________________________________________________


“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1834

Chuckle 1834
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Tenjooberrymuds.~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

This is a hoot ... By the time you read through this YOU will
understand "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... ---Phyllis--

Practice reading this until you understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you, as a hotel guest, calling room-service somewhere in the good old U S A.....

Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!? "

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy . rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and now you do!

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)



>


>


>


Volkswagen
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1833

Chuckle 1833
Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)




~Blonde Cookbook Diary~ (2nd time around)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Monday
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


Tuesday
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper


Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..


Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.


GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)



>


>


>


>


Toyota
_______________________________________________________

HAVE A GOOD ONE!

Chuckle 1832

Chuckle 1832
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K Florence AZ!)


Who Wants To be A Millionaire???
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said,

'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember. Darn woman, she has absolutely NO sense of humor!

________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)


>


>


>


>


Suzuki
_____________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1831

Chuckle 1831
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Cowboy in Heaven~(2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'Once, on a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker, smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.' I yelled, 'Now back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Just a couple of minutes ago...'


________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)


>


>


>


>


Saturn
______________________________________________________

Chuckle 1825

Chuckle 1825
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


The Conductor
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the rain...cause we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again so on."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________




>


>


>


>


Mazda

________________________________________________________

“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1824

Chuckle 1824
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Retha A of Richland OR!)


~Two Getting Old Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

No. 1

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"


She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

******************************************************************************
No.2

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)

>

>

>

>

Lincoln

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

_____________________________________________________

Chuckle 1823

Chuckle 1823
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Stock Drop~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

BUT, if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank it all and then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
•
Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)


>


>


>


>


Lexus

________________________________________________________
“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1822

Chuckle 1822
(Nadine W of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



~The Clothesline~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Boy does this bring back memories....

The clothesline....a dead give away. Do the kids today even know what a clothesline is? I am sure a lot of you are too young to remember the clothesline, but for all of us who are older, this will bring back the memories. . . ..


THE BASIC RULES


1. You had to wash the clothesline before hanging any clothes. Walk the length of each line with a damp cloth around the line.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order and always hang whites with whites and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders, always by the tail. What would the neighbors think?


4. Wash day on a Monday...........never hang clothes on the weekend or Sunday for heaven's sake!


5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your 'unmentionables' in the middle.


6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather.....clothes would 'freeze dry.'


7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes. Pins left on the line were 'tacky'.

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothespins, but shared one of the clothespins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket and ready to be ironed.


10. IRONED?????????? Well, that's a whole other subject.

*******************************************



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)

>


>


>


Infiniti
________________________________________________________


(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1821

Chuckle 1821
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~First Things First~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay." He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night." Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first!"



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________


(Name the make of the car!)

>


>


>


Hyundai (Got you that time)

________________________________________________________

“Have a nice day!”

Chuckle 1820

Chuckle 1820
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)


~Just a fact of life! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics, with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking, and appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled, for a month from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet! ***


This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
• Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Name the make of the car!)



>


>


>


Honda
_______________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)