Chuckle 1872

Chuckle 1872
(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Paying Canadian Taxes~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Letter to Revenue Canada

Dear Revenue Canada or whatever your current name may be:

Enclosed and/or attached, you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the Toronto Globe and Mail; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Canadian Department of National Defense is paying $171.50 per hammer and Fisheries and Oceans Canada has paid $600.00 per toilet seat for its icebreakers.

As payment, I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Canadian Tire, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the 'Help Stephan Dion Election Fund,' as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from The Globe and Mail detailing how the Department of Public Works pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One Philips screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

God Bless Canada!

Sincerely, ***

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Chuckle 1871

Chuckle 1871
(Goldie C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

(Black Leather Bra)


~ How to tell you are married...~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)


Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress,
are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and
a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.


The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.


The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'


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Good Day To You!

Chuckle 1870

Chuckle 1870
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Words from the Mouth of Babes~ Part 2
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)


Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes. What does Love mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
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"My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5
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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7
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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7

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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing, I just helped him cry"
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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1869
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Words from the Mouth of Babes~ Part 1
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes. What does Love mean? A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint
her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8
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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend
who you hate," Nikka - age 6
(We need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

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(~What kids might say~)

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.' Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
________________________________________________________

Have a nice day!

Chuckle 1868

Chuckle 1868
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Two Quick Canadian Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A Quebecer, staying at a hotel in Edmonton, phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper or white pepper?" asked the concierge

"Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer

*************************************************************


A Canadian guy is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend, Doug, stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob

"Oh!" Exclaims Doug. "Good trade."

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(~What kids might say~)

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

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Chuckle 1867

Chuckle 1867 (2nd time around)
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Joyce K of Florence AZ!)


~Kitty Stutter ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ‘Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate him! The teacher wet her pants laughing. ***

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(~What kids might say~)

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.’

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Today can be special!!

Chuckle 1866

Chuckle 1866
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Norse humor ~(2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "Da End iss near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash . . . Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"

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(~What people were saying in 1955~)


"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."


"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1865

Chuckle 1865
( Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Bull Mating~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

‘THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR’

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs.....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~ ~that’s more than twice a week! ......You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, ‘THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, ‘that’s once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, ‘Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable
and I should eventually make a full recovery.
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(~What people were saying in 1955~)


"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."


"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

________________________________________________________

Have a good one!!

Chuckle 1864

Chuckle 1864
(Nancy S of Sheraton WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Short Story~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)





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(~What people were saying in 1955~)


"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."


"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government."

__________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1863

Chuckle 1863
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Bless me Father~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. "
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi."
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
"Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."

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(~What people were saying in 1955~)

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."


"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

________________________________________________________

Have a good one

Chuckle 1862

Chuckle 1862
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Linda Mc of Florence OR!)



~ Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

We've all heard about people "having guts" or "having balls". But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome....as both ultimately result in death. ---Linda---

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(~What people were saying in 1955~)

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."


"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1861

Chuckle 1861
(Bev L located somewhere in Washington State gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~An Old Man, A Boy & A Donkey~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well...

Kiss your ass goodbye!

Have A Nice Day And Be Careful With Your Ass???

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(~What people were saying in 1955~)

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."


"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With the Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

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Chuckle 1860

Chuckle1860
(Goldie C of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)
















~Beer Drinking Cowboy ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though.'


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(~What people were saying in 1955~)

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
________________________________________________________

(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1589

Chuckle 1589
(George H of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)



Two Little Boys ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

‘Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said. 'And I was; baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...The hole-he-goes.'




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Chuckle Gems
~Comments Made In the Year 1955:~


That's only 53 years ago! "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

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Have a nice day!

Chuckle 1858

Chuckle 1858
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~ IDIOT SIGHTING~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window, and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry, but we cannot do that kind of thing.' The clerk then
proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Kansas City

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(Latest Maxine’s)


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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1857

Chuckle 1857
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Drink Alcohol for Good Health ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope and
Six Differences.)

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . And those who don't.


It has been said: 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.'


In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.


Remember: Water = Poo, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service,

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(Find the 6 differences, see answers below.)

Chuckle 1856

Chuckle 1856
(Nancy C of Sheraton WY gets today’s chuckle thanks!)


~Funerals ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and Today’s Horoscope.)

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist.

That's when the proctologist fainted...

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Chuckle 1855

Chuckle 1855
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Linda Mc of Florence OR!)

~Softball ~ (2nd time around)
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Six Differences.)

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

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Chuckle 1854

Chuckle 1854
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL (If it’s still there!) gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~A Timely Story~ (2nd time around)
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She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.’ Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her 'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

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