Chuckle 2095

Chuckle 2095
(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Three short Stories~(2nd time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

(1.)

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'
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(2)

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

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(3)

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'
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(Eat lots and have a great day)

Chuckle 2094

Chuckle 2094
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

This argument could have been avoided.

~ Men Need to Know~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1)Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake...

(7)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying...Go to H....

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3...


* Send this to the younger men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Unfortunately most older guys didn't have the terminology before commitments were made and as a result have lost all avoidable arguments. ---Jerry---

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Chuckle 2093

Chuckle 2093
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

French Poodle

~Scottish Humor~
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'


The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!'

A Scottish gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2092

Chuckle 2092
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~ House Work~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that........Ralph was too tired.'

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Chuckle 2091

Chuckle 2091
(Linda S of Harbor OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Pecan tree.


~Pecans in the Cemetery ~(2nd time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2090

Chuckle 2090
(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Redneck Love Poem ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Susie Lee done fell in love,
she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
but Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry will.
But after telling pappy this,
He said, 'there's trouble still.'

You can't marry will, my gal,
and please don't tell yo' mother.
But Will and Joe, and several
mo' I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, my child,
just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
you ain't no kin to pappy.
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(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)


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Chuckle 2089

Chuckle 2089
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Dr Suess for the Elder Set~ (2nd time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things -

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

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Chuckle 2087

Chuckle 2088
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks.)



Ole and Sven.....(Again:, different story)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Ole and Sven died in a snowmobiling accident, drunk, and go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He asks them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Meeshigan, da land of snow an' ice, an' ve're yust happy fer da chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two guys from Meeshigan, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm vedder up dere in Meeshigan, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da vedder's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so badly that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling, and screaming like madmen.

The devil is dumbfounded. 'I don't understand--when I turn up the heat, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy! What is WRONG with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Lions yust von da Super Bowl!'

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Chuckle 2086

Chuckle 2087
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Here is something to Think About. ~ (Some of you likeum short.)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who didn't nag, bitch or whine....But that was long long ago and it was just ONE day....

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2086

Chuckle 2086
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Men strike back! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be open when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle it!
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AND MAXINE SAYS...........

MARVIN!!

Maxine just had to have the last word.

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Chuckle 2085

Chuckle 2085
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Talking Hound Dog who can Read.
~~Wyoming Education ~~
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol'Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol'Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1, 000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol'Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this--they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Ol'Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500; I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So, after careful consideration, he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol'Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol'Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

"The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a very successful lawyer.

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Chuckle 2083

Chuckle 2083
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

"What is your Secret?"
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! " What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

See end result below!


>

>

>

>

>

And she's only 34
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Chuckle 2082

Chuckle 2082
(Dean O Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~What Happened~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

BARTENDER: Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible!

PIRATE: What do you mean? I feel fine.

BARTENDER: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

PIRATE: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.

BARTENDER: Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?

PIRATE: We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.

BARTENDER: What about the eye patch?

PIRATE: Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.

BARTENDER: You're kidding! You lost an eye just from bird shit?

PIRATE: It was my first day with the hook!

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Maxine

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Chuckle 2081

Chuckle 2081
(Gwenda B of Junction City OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~ Confucius Says ~
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

Confucius Says:
Man who run in Front of car get tired.

Man who run behind Car get exhausted.

Man with one Chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money...

Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.

Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.

Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night...

It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs...

Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

Now send it to 1 Or more people.. Nothing will happen but 1 or more people laughing!

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2080

Chuckle 2080
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Nookies green shoes.

~Nookie Green~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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Chuckle 2079

Chuckle 2079
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Story with a Moral ~(2nd time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,

Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher, 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story.

'Stay Away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

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