Chuckle 2153

On Monday’s like last year I’ll be going early over to Eugene to bowl and won’t have time to send your daily chuckle. Check for it on Tuesdays

Chuckle 2153 (2nd time around)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Little Girl on a Plane ~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

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Chuckle 2152

Chuckle 2152
(Chet S. of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Farmer John~
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and 6 differences.)

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care; just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:


SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing put up your own sign..." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity goes the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:



NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch out for chicks!!

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Chuckle 2151

Chuckle 2151
(Audrey N of Applegate CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Red Tomatoes~ (Hooray a new chuckle)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

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Chuckle 2150

Chuckle 2150
(Nancy S of Sheridan Wy gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Poof~ (This is really an old one!!)
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and 6 differences.)

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my Heavens!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!

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Chuckle 2149

Chuckle 2149
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Buxom Blonde~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.

The Bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.

She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Because he has.............(your gonna love this).....

>

<

>

<

>



A LICKER LICENSE!
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Chuckle 2148

Chuckle 2148
(Jep N of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Fishing Trip~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Dave and his buddies were discussing an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated..

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

"Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want!'

"So, HERE I AM!!"

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Chuckle 2147

I'm going to take a break for a few days so no Chuckles will
be published until next Tuesday. Sorry! ---Jerry---


Chuckle 2147
(Rich W of Paso Robles CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



Cajun Salesman (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A Cajun guy from Louisiana moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The guy says 'Mais Yeah. I was a salesman back in Louisiana ...' Well, the boss liked the Cajun guy and gave him the job. You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did..' His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.. How many customers bought something from you today?'

The Cajun guy says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The Cajun guy says, '$101,237.65.' The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The Cajun guy says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition..'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?' The Cajun guy from Louisiana said 'Mais non!, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

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Chuckle 2146

Chuckle 2146
(Bev L of Florence gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Doctor from Herman comic strip

~Will I Live to see 80? ~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

This is something to think seriously about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

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Chuckle 2145

Chuckle 2145
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Monet's "Garden"

~Price of gas in France ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

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Chuckle 2144

Chuckle 2144
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Squirrels~(2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,)

There were five houses of religion in a small Florida town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church,

The Methodist Church,

The Catholic Church and

The Jewish Synagogue...

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were pre-destined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.

The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But......The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

*************************************

Keep going.....

For all who appreciate the outdoors, this is the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel.


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Chuckle 2143

Chuckle 2143
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle
New Corvette C6-3

~New Corvette~
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and 6 differences.)

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even
more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked
at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off
with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.

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Chuckle 2142

Chuckle 2142
(Jep N of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Grandpa's IRS Audit~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.


Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

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Chuckle 2141

Chuckle 2141
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Ole and Sven are at it Again~
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and 6 differences.)

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.


'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

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Chuckle 2140

Chuckle 2140
(Linda M and Goldie C both of Florence OR get today's chuckle thanks.)

Perfect Dress

~Wrath of a Woman~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it...

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.

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Chuckle 2139

Chuckle 2139
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Grandma & Grandpa~ (2nd time around)
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and 6 differences.)

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
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