Chuckle 2525

Chuckle 2525
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Blonde Suicide~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

You might have to think twice about this one.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

________________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_____________________________________________________________



An Airline with a sense of humor.
(From Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA)

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



---o0o---



Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

Chuckle 2524

Chuckle 2524
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~ Mexican Fishermen ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.

A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.

We have a full life."

The tourist interrupted,

"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City , Los Angeles , or even New York City !

" From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist..

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting, " answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

"With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans.

And the moral of this story is:

Know where you're going in life.... you may already be there!


This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2520

Chuckle2520 (Only 2 days left until Thanksgiving)
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks.)

~Turkey Survival~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of ..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll
be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a
big rubbery thing under your chin.

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink,
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well,

the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap,

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming........"
_______________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/



For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_____________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



_______________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2516

Chuckle 2516 (7 days until Thanksgiving)
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R. in Surrey BC!)


Chuckle 273 (From my Archives) 3-18-04
~LAWYER'S BLUNDER ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
__________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)



__________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2515

Chuckle 2515 (8 days until thanksgiving)
(Jayne C gets today's chuckle thanks for this Classic.)




Chuckle 260 (From my Archives March 5th 2004) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

~Three Blondes:~

Three blondes were applying for the last available
position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop,
eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and
pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he
opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a
detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able
to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities
such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the
first blonde and withdrew it after about
2 seconds. "Now," he said, "Did you notice any
distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has
only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he
has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of
his face!"

"You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head
and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it
back and said, "What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this
man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and
exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the
other lady? This is a profile of the
man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the
office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and
last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of
time, but.... He flashed the
photo in her face for a couple of seconds and
withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice
anything distinguishing or unusual
about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact
lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the
picture and began looking at some of the papers in
the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression
and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he
wears contacts! How in the
world could you tell that by looking at this
picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "DUH!!! With
only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear
glasses!"

______________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_______________________________________________________




______________________________________________________

An Airline with a sense of humour.
(From Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA)

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ________________________________________________________

Have a Good one!

Chuckle 2514

Chuckle 2514 (9 days to Thanksgiving)
(Anon. gets today's chuckle thanks taken from my Archives)

~God’s Creations~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)













_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2512

Chuckle 2512
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)




~SAD NEWS FROM DULUTH, MINNESOTA~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


I have some very sad news out of Duluth, Minnesota this morning to share with everyone. This will bring about change in North & South Dakota, Michigan, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa and parts of Canada. This will bring far reaching ramifications that will strike at the very core of our Midwest Heritage and Souls.

I must report the tragic news that OLE was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4 Wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for Terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports, the Rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, “Who are you and what are you doing?” OLE shouted back , “...BIN LOGGIN!”

OLE is survived by his wife LENA and good friend SVEN.

Note: You got to be from the Midwest to understand this one.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

______________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)


_______________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2512

Chuckle 2511
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Blonde with a Problem~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)


________________________________________________________

An Airline with a sense of humor.
(From Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA)

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
_________________________________________________________


Have a great one!

Chuckle 2510

(This is Veterans Day; Don’t forget to put out your flag and to say a prayer for our boys over there.)

Chuckle 2510
(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)





~The Tired Marine~ (2nd time around)(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


The train was quite crowded, so a U S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'



The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/
________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)



_______________________________________________________



(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2509

Chuckle 2509
(Linda M of Springfield OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Things You Notice When You Are Fifty or Older~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,





________________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)


______________________________________________________________

An Airline with a sense of humour.
(From Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA)

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.
Check out their new delivery!

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" To be con’t !
_________________________________________________________

HAVE A SWELL DAY!

Chuckle 2508

Chuckle 2508
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~The Gun Slinger and the Old Prospector~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... But... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

- Never be arrogant. - Don't waste ammunition. - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. - Always, always make sure you know who has the power. - Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

(I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you? ;)

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

__________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)



_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2506
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital

"How are you grandpa?" He asks

"Feeling fine" says the old man

What's the food like?

"Terrific, wonderful menus"

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".

"The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm



________________________________________________________


Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________

(Maxine on winter from my own collection.)


_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)

Chuckle 2502

Chuckle 2502
(Chet and Phyllis of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)



~ A Cabbies Fantasy ~ (2nd time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome Cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot
offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and Hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would
find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what
we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I’m single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the
cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child,” says
the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I’m Jewish."

The nun says,” That’s OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

Hope you all had a Happy Halloween!
_________________________________________________________

Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history


Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/


For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/



________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection.)
It’s Winter time!


_________________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below.)




























____________________________________________________

Have a good one!