Chuckle 2883

(Chuckle 2883)
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS BEWARE.....

This just might make your day a little brighter!! You, who worry about democrats versus republicans--relax, here is our real problem. In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

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(Keith’s Questions from Keith K of Florence OR)

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Chuckle 2882

(Chuckle 2882) (This is kinda long but good) ---Jerry---
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Just A Reminder to Always Look Outside the "Box"~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story. But it does have a special meaning if you are one... (Or, if you had ever run a high speed production line...) A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time and on budget. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decided to have a look at the project. No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place...very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turned out the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. After some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, and walked up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," said one of the workers - "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang".

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2881

(Chuckle 2881)
(Bev L of Mt Vernon WA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~ Ah, the Golden Years! ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Questions)

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze..

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know............
Is what tells each one where to go

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(Keith’s Questions from Keith K of Florence OR)

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

(Chuckle 2880)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Tax Season's Coming~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,” I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.” What about all these plaster purchases?” What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient? ”Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries”?

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

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Chuckle 2879

(Chuckle 2879)
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~"Tough shit, Amigo”~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Questions)

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President G.W. Bush and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go." The refugee claimant now got bolder. ; "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING! -- In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. "What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed, "Where is my new house?" THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . . NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .

The fairy said: "Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."
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(Keith’s Questions from Keith K of Florence OR)

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

(Chuckle 2878)
(Keith K gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~An Eastern Oregon Ranch Story ~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch in Eastern Oregon. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word’ comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly... 'Com-for-da-bul.'

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(Chuckle 2877)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~What's in the Box? ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Questions)


A little old lady went to Fareway to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but Jim says we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but Jim wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

~~~~Don't mess with old people. ~~~~

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(Keith’s Questions from Keith K of Florence OR)

If peanut oil comes from peanuts, where does baby oil come from?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Chuckle 2876

(Chuckle 2876)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Timing Is Everything~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

At the barber shops: The barber asked, "What's wrong? You look down."

"I'm just depressed, I guess," said his customer.

"Cheer up!," said the barber. "I once knew a guy who was thousands of dollars in debt, with no way out. He drove to the edge of a cliff, where he sat until some concerned citizens passed the hat around. With his financial problems solved through the kindness of others, he pulled away from the cliff."

"Incredible!," said the customer. "Who were those people?"

"The passengers on his bus!"

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Chuckle 2875

(Chuckle 2875) From Chuckle 110 (Oct 4 2002)
(Sandy J of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~SENIOR'S DISCOUNT~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Questions)

Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde, doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that, "in one year they would pay for themselves!!"

*************************************************************************
Since that was so short I thought I’d add something.

Here are a few Cryptograms that Rick and I (Jerry) solve
each morning: (They must be shared)

If an elephant has a skin problem do you suppose he should
visit a “pachydermatologist.”

Preparing to go out for a while, what did papa buffalo
say to his baby? “Bison”

The average man’s judgment is so poor; he runs a
risk every time he uses it. – Ed Howe

Does a kangaroo get irritated when its baby eats his
crackers in bed?

WHY DO WE DO THESE THINGS RICK?

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(Keith’s Questions from Keith K of Florence OR)

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

Chuckle 2874

(Chuckle 2874)
(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Husbands are Husbands~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied... 'Your horse phoned'

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2873

(Chuckle 2873)
(Phyllis S in Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~Senior Wedding ~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Questions)

Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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(Keith’s Questions from Keith K of Florence OR)

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

2872

(Chuckle 2872)
(Robert J of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Nothing Important~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the
colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, and then said into
the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along
your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as
though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone."

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(Chuckle 2871)
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Hearing problem~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Questions)

Bob feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?' 'For God's sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'



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(Keith’s Questions) from Keith K of Florence OR)

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Chuckle 2870

(Chuckle 2870)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)


~"You Can Be the Man of Your House."~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House." Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."

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Chuckle 2869

(Chuckle 2869)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

~Confession~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and tech support)

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

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(Tech Support: From Nicky H of Florence OR.)

And last but not least!

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

End of this series.

Chuckle 2868

(Chuckle 2868)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh!'

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

(Chuckle 2867)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks.)

Bait


~Texas Hunting Laws~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Tech Support)

A Coloradan and a Texan were hunting in the Hill Country
when an illegal alien runs across the field.

The Texan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Coloradan.

"No, no, it's legal here in Texas" replies the Texan.

Later that night the Coloradan goes and buys some beer
and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door.

Just then an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Coloradan thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots,
and kills him.

As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Texas!"
protests the Coloradan.

"Well yeah," says the cop; "but man, you can't use bait!"

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(Click Today in History and learn.)

Today in History from Yahoo

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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)



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(Tech Support: From Nicky H of Florence OR.)


This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

****************************

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

Chuckle 2866

(Chuckle 2866)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks.)



~Trust~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom.

Did you say ‘hello’?”

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Today in History Click
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/history

Word for the day Click
http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/

For today's Horoscope click
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)





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(Find the six differences, answers below)