Chuckle 2935

(Chuckle 2935)

Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~4 Smiles~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

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Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have
any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

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Chuckle 2934

(Chuckle 2934)

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~The Cat~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,and Keith’s Stuff)

A couple were dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car......

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Chuckle 2933

(Chuckle 2933)
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks!)

~Feeling Good~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This has to be THE feel-good story of the year!

If this does not touch your heart, then
you just don't have one.

An incredible story of luck and inspiration!

Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery last
Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later.

Talk about LUCK!

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(Find the six differences, answers below)

Chuckle 2932

Chuckle 2932 (Taken from Chuckle 2513; Sent November 13, 2010)

(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Flying Lessons~ (2nd time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather.

Thank God our kids were with me this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky.

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An Airline with a sense of humor.
(From Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA)

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings...
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

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Chuckle 2931

(Chuckle 2931) email sent July 2004
(Rick and Ann of Surrey BC get today's Chuckle thanks)

~Another Golf Story~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bev’s Gas Toons.)

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)”. He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper........ I'm still one hole behind you."

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(Bev’s Gas Toons) From Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA

This is the last of this series!

Chuckle 2930

(Chuckle 2930)

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Pay Raise for the Maid~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozband did

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora ....... The gardener did."

Wife : How much do you want?

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Chuckle 2929

(Chuckle 2929)

(Stevan S of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Football Boots~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day,
Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bev's Gastoons)

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.' The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'don’t start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

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(A Maxine from My Own Collection.)

(Bev’s Gas Toons) From Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA

(Chuckle 2928) Sent in Aug. 2004.

(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

HOSPITAL STAY Harry was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harry had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harry had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So.. You know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today ..." At this, Old Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted...! Old Harry just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

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Chuckle 2927

(Chuckle 2927)

(Mary S of Los Osos CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Don't Mess with a Woman~ (Second time around) (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bev’s Gas Toons.)

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her
book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
the woman. .

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.............

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can

also think.

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(Bev’s Gas Toons) From Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA

Chuckle 2926

(Chuckle 2926)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~The Moral of the Story~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't Fool with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

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Chuckle 2925

(Chuckle 2925
(Willie from Sacramento CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Nursing Home~ (Second time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bev’s Gas Toons.)
I was taking a walk when I passed by the nursing home where there were six old ladies lying naked on the front lawn. I thought this was a little peculiar, but continued on my way because it's a long walk and I wanted to get it over with before it got truly hot again today.On my way back, the ladies were still lying in the yard. To quench my curiosity, I went inside and asked to speak to thedirector of the facility. When I asked him if he knew there were 6 naked old ladies lying on his front lawn, he replied, "Yes, I know. They're all retired prostitutes.""Okay..." I said rather disbelievingly, "... And?""And they're having a yard sale!"
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(Bev’s Gas Toons) From Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA

Chuckle 2924

(Chuckle 2924)
(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA get today's Chuckle thanks)

This one has been around, but this is the English twist! --Chet and Phyllis

~Tight leather Skirt~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'















The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends."

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Chuckle 2923

(Chuckle 2923)
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~A Touching Story~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bev’s Gas Toons.)

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...



You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

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(Bev’s Gas Toons) From Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA

Chuckle 2922

Chuckle 2922 (This email was sent in Dec 2006)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~“Chicago Style"~ (Second time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from Chicago, another from Kentucky and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Chicagoan explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Kentucky."

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Chuckle 2921

(Chuckle 2921)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)
C5 Galaxy



~Pilots~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Bev’s Gas Toons.)

Great Female Humor! After you read the message about the pilots, Please find time to read the quote of the day - - - it is so perfect.

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan’

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It the Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.'

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(Bev’s Gas Toons) From Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA