(Chuckle 2954)

(Chuckle 2954)

(Bill P of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Mafia Godfather~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his deaf bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of ten million dollars. The Godfather gave Guido the job of keeping his books because he assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so if ever question he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing ten million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about!" The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he don't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Guido signs back, OK” You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my Cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Chuckle 2953

(Chuckle 2953)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Same Sex Marriage~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Stuff)

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Chuckle 2952

(Chuckle 2952)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST~ (Second time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Chuckle 2951

(Chuckle 2951)

(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Dear Airlines: ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

  Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?



Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

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Chuckle 2950

I will be away from the computer until Sunday.
 See you then… Mr Chuckles...

(Chuckle 2950)
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~The Polish Divorce ~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office And asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland...

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: “Polish Remover”

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Chuckle 2949

(Chuckle 2949)
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~The Goldberg Brothers ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Stuff)

The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner:

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Control yourself !!!

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Chuckle 2948

(Chuckle 2948)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Pregnant at 71~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.” Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

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Chuckle 2947

I will be away from the computer until next Sat. Have a nice week!

---Mr Chuckles---
(Chuckle 2947)
(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~A Blonde from Cork~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Stuff)

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ““Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes”!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...”YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?

The other answered, “I don't know - I thought you were watching.”


MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men, well, are men.

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Chuckle 2946

(Chuckle 2946)

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~A Very Short One~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A Canadian Love story......

A Canadian man said to his wife, "All right you sexy thing, upstairs, now!"

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you horny devil, you!"

He replied: "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now bugger off!"

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Chuckle 2945

(Chuckle 2945)

(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~CAR KEYS ~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Stuff)

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.



My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all: "Honey," I stammered (I always call her "honey" in times like these), "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said: "Well, come and get me."

She retorted: "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.
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Chuckle 2944

(Chuckle 2944)

(Gary B of La Habra CA gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~'Loud Mouthed' Cell Phone Users~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Have you ever felt like strangling one of those 'loud mouthed' cell phone users who seem to sit near you in a restaurant or any other place and forcibly share their private call with you.

Here’s one solution, provided by a commuter on how to combat this display of bad manners.

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

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Chuckle 2943

(Chuckle 2943
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~2 QUARTERS or a DOLLAR BILL~ (Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s stuff)

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

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Chuckle 2942

(Chuckle 2942)

(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Paddy’s Problem~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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(Chuckle 2941)

(Chuckle 2941)

(Linda M of Gresham OR gets today's Chuckle thanks)

 ~Two Drops of Water~ (Also: Today in History, Word  for the  Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and Keith’s Stuff)

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too..'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'


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Chuckle 2940

(Chuckle 2940)
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's Chuckle thanks)

~Eve’s Choice~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem...

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.

Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?

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