Chuckle 3173

Chuckle 3173

(Rich and Flo C. from Yuma AZ get today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Blonde Mortician ~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and find the 6 differences,)

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

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 _________________________________________________________

(Maxine)

_________________________________________________________

Find the six differences

Chuckle 3172

Chuckle 3172

(Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA get today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Ole fills In~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today's horoscope, Maxine and Women, wives and marriage.) 

A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota, wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.    "Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yez, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first un had a headick, so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.    "The second un had stomick burnin' and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor. "Sir, I was sittin' here und suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, takin' off ev'ryt'ing including her panties and lies down on the table und shouts:'HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!'"

"Ole, What did you do?" asks the doctor.    "Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, I put drops in her eyes!!"   

You thought I was sending a dirty joke!!  NOT ME!  Remember - Keep Smiling It makes people wonder what you're up to!!

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(Today in History Click)
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 _____________________________________________________

(Maxine)

______________________________________________________

Women, wives and marriage from Keith K;

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Ogden Nash

Chuckle 3171

Chuckle 3171

(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Never Argue with a Woman~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today's horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences.)

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,  and begins to read her book..

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

‘Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think.

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____________________________________________________

(Maxine)

 

__________________________________________________________

Find the six differences.

Chuckle 3170

Chuckle 3170 Classic

Chuckle 608 sent out in Feb. 2005

(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H in Florence OR!)

~Virgin Airlines~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Women, wives and marriage)

If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.

Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

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A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!"

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out".

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 

14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.? If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14".

With folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** you!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

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______________________________________________________________

(Maxine)

___________________________________________________________

Women, wives and marriage from Keith K;

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. --- Patrick Murra

Chuckle 3169

Chuckle 3169

(Keith K of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~Winter Boots~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today's horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences,)

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

The teacher was helping one of her pupils put on his boots.

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

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_____________________________________________________________ 

(Maxine)

_____________________________________________________

Find the six differences

Chuckle 3168

Chuckle 3168

(Mac M of Florence OR gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~A Redneck Love Poem~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today's horoscope, Maxine and Women, wives and marriage)

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 ________________________________________________________

(Maxine)

____________________________________________________________

Women, wives and marriage from Keith K;

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra

Chuckle 3167

Chuckle 3167

(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today’s chuckle thanks.)

~SO A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Find the 6 differences)

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit

"It was my first day with the hook."

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_____________________________________________________

(Maxine)

________________________________________________________

Find the six differences