Chuckle 3420

(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Rich and Flo in Yuma AZ.)

~Redneck Lottery Winner~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6Diff’s.)

Did you hear about the Redneck? He decided to buy a lottery ticket hoping to win $50 million. When the time came, sure enough his ticket was the winner of the $50 million.
So he quickly went to claim his money. When he got there and showed his ticket, the man in charge gave him 5 million.

The Redneck, hooped and hollered saying he won 50 million. The man said oh, yes, I know, but we can give you 5 million every year for ten years.
The Redneck kept yelling that he wants the 50 million now. The man insisted it has to be done like he says.
The Redneck says, “You can keep your money if that's how it is, just give me my $2 back.”

 

 

(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3419 Classic

Chuckle 3419 Classic
Chuckle 28 (Received In Feb. 2002 Source unknown,)

~Stranded!!~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman.)

    One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck getting closer to him.   As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of driftwood or a small boat.  Emerging from the surf is this good-looking, young woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
    She approaches the stunned guy and after they introduce themselves and he tells her of his predicament, she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
  "Ten years!" he says. 

   She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes.  He takes one, lights it, and takes along drag.  "Man, oh man" he swoons, "is that ever good".
   She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"
  Trembling, he replies, "Ten years!"  She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.  He opens the flask, takes along swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The guy, with tears in his eyes replies "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 __________________________________________________

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________

 

Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3418 Classic

Chuckle 3418 Classic
Chuckle 454 (Sent out in Oct. 2004)

(Charlotte P in Reeds Port gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Underwear Always~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s

Underwear Is Important! Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3417 Classic

Chuckle 3417Classic
Chuckle 238 (sent out in Feb 2004)

(Chuckle thanks for today’s chuckle go to Dean and Dee in Florence, OR!)

~Donkey for Sale: ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

  A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya goanna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

  A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
  Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
  "Didn't anyone complain?" Asked the farmer.

  "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

 

(Today in History Click)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3416 Classic

Chuckle 3416 Classic

Chuckle 36 (Received from Nadine Walsh of Carpinteria, CA. on 12-11-02)

~Jingle Contest: ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6Diff’s.)

   A lady had been married to a farmer all of her life. They had cows and horses on their farm and grew crops for sale at the local farmers market.

   While shopping at the grocery store, she picked up a Carnation Milk Company jingle contest form. It offered a cash prize for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found on grocery shelves. Carnation had furnished the first line of the jingle with these words: “I like Carnation best of all…” and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on the entry form. Each contestant could use only 50 words or less. She completed her jingle and mailed it off to the Carnation Milk Company.

      Several months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. Unfortunately, the company couldn’t publish it. Nevertheless, they had decided that her entry was worth a consolation prize and presented her with a company check in the amount of $1000.

 

The jingle?

“I like Carnation best of all,

No tits to pull, no shit to haul.

No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,

Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.”

 

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences;

 

 

Chuckle 3415 Classic

 

From Jerry and Lora

 

    Chuckle 3415 Classic

(Chuckle 3089) (Sent out in Nov.2012)

(Bev L and Charlie M get today’s chuckle thanks) Do you remember this one Bev?

From Bev ~Stopped by police @ 2 a.m. ~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Bumper stickers from Pat.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

******************************************************************************

From Charlie:  ~My Old Guy Joke~
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years".
He said
"That's a mirror, dip-shit!"

 *****************************************************************************

 (Today in History Click)

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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)

(Word for the Day)

 (For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)

Today's Horoscope )

 

(Maxine Cartoon)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Bumper Stickers from Pat.)

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,

  But is Miles from the Next Exit.

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  I Refuse To Have a Battle of Wits with an Unarmed

  Person.

 

 

Chuckle 3414

Chuckle 3414
(Today’s Chuckle thank go to Charlie of Bradenton FL.)

~The Finale Confession ~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to" his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.  I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work."

(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences ;

 

Chuckle 3413 Classic

Chuckle 3413 Classic
Chuckle 254 (Sent out in March 2004)

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Phyllis in Pasadena, CA for the 1^st one and Jayne in Florence, OR for the 2^nd!

~A Choice in Life:~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman.)

   Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
environmental encounters.
 
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
 
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
 
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"
 
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

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~Drink Orders:~

   A  pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight
to Toronto.
  After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
  The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a
drink.
  He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 _____________________________________________________

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________

Herman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chuckle 3412

Chuckle 3412 Classic
Chuckle 284 (Sent out in March of 2004

(Today’s chuckle thanks go to Rich W of Scotts Valley CA!)

~A Philosophical Question: ~ ( Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

   A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is
the difference between potentially and realistically?"

  The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

   So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of
course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house
and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I
LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"

 

  The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

  The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad..
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

 

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on top of
three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts
and a queer."

 ________________________________________________________

 (Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find the six differences;