Chuckle 3565
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Elva B of Coldwell ID.) This
is long so enjoy !
~Letter to the Bank~ (Plus: today in history, word for the
day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)
Shown below, I am told, is an actual letter that was sent to
a bank by an 86-year-old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
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Dear Sir;
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival
in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed
that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try
to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities), must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your
phone bank service.
-As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS
THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH. #1. To make an appointment to see me. #2. To
query a missing payment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there. #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To
transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To
transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. To leave a
message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password
will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact
mentioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7 again. #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly, less- prosperous
New Year?
Your Humble Client and remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place so it doesn't
take much to piss us off.
____________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
Maxine
__________________________________________________________
Herman
