Chuckle 3939

Chuckle 3939
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Mt Vernon WA)

~Last of the Idiots~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

~~Number Five Idiots~~

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

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(Today in History Click)
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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3938

Chuckle 3938
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~The Brothel~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you, sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs... After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which dates back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'Billings, Montana.'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings.'

I   know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3937

Chuckle 3937 Classic
Chuckle 250 (Sent out in Feb 2004)

(Phyllis in Pasadena gets today’s chuckle thanks!)

~Catholic Kindergartners: ~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

   A group of preschoolers were trying to become
 accustomed to the kindergarten.

  The biggest hurdle they faced was that the Sister
insisted on no baby talk!

  You need to use Big People words, she was always
 reminding them.

  She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

  "I went to visit my Nana."

  "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER; use
 Big People words," the patient Sister replied.

  Then the Sister asked Mitchell what he had done;

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

  "No," the Sister said, "you took a ride on a TRAIN."

  "You must remember to use Big People words."

  She then asked Alex what he had done.
 

"I read a book," he replied.

  "That's WONDERFUL," the Nun said.

  "What book did you read?"

  Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed
out his little chest with great pride, and said,
"Winnie the SHIT!"

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(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

__________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3936

Chuckle 3936
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~A couple from Keith~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

SEX AT 73 just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

~~~~~

Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

~~~~~

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(Today in History Click)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 ______________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3935 Classic
Chuckle 62 (Sent out in Aug 2003)

(Thanks to Chet and Phyllis of Pasadena, CA for this chuckle.)

~Being Assertive~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

   A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife,
so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he
needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book
on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He
finished the book by the time he reached his house.

   The man stormed into the house and walked up to his
wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now
on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this
house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me
a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating
my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

   "The funeral director," his wife replied.

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(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 ___________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3934

Chuckle 3934
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Ron J of Florence OR)

~Dog Hearing Problems~ (Second time around) (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 Diff’s)

My wife, Andrea, found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist thought about it for a minute and said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

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(Today in History Click)
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 ___________________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 Diff's

Chuckle 3933

Chuckle 3933
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Keith K of Florence OR)

~More Church Bulletins~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

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(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

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Maxine

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Herman

Chuckle 3932

Chuckle 3932

(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Lora S of Florence OR)

~Hot and Cold~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold..'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied...... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

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(Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

 ____________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Chuckle 3931

Chuckle 3931
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nicky H of Florence OR)

~Breath Test~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman) 

Study the picture first and then read the story.  

 

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.  

 A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.

  With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.  

 Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.  

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

  The Englishman answers with a bit of humor...

 "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
www.merriam-webster.com/word-of-the-day

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

_________________________________________________________________ 

Maxine 

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Herman

Chuckle 3930

Chuckle 3930 Classic

Chuckle 231 (Sent out in Feb 2004)

(Today’s thanks go to Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA!)

~ Stow Away~ Rated PG (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)
(Today's thanks go to Phyllis and Chet of Pasadena CA!)

 A young blonde in Kansas City was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missouri River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying. 

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.  That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.  Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Ameristar Casino, and we never leave Kansas City."

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(Today in History Click)
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 ______________________________________________________________

Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3929

Chuckle 293 (Sent out in April of 2004)

(Chuckle thanks for today’s chuckle go to Phyllis in Pasadena CA!)

~Treed Hound~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

 

 
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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

______________________________________________________________________

Maxine

 
 
 __________________________________________________________________
 Herman

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  

Chuckle 3928

Chuckle 3928 Classic
Chuckle 118 ( sent out in Aug 2003)

(Thanks go to Ann and Rick of Surrey, BC for this chuckle!)

~Home From Work~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, today’s horoscope, Maxine and 6 diff’s)

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he came downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a while."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"

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(Today in History Click)
http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

____________________________________________________________ 

Maxine

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Spot the 6 diff's

Chuckle 3927

Chuckle 3927
(Today’s Chuckle thanks go to Nancy S of Sheridan WY)

~4 Facts~ (Plus: today in history, word for the day, todays horoscope, Maxine and Herman)

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Budweiser, Miller, Guinness and Heinekens. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

4. I haven't verified this but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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 (Today in History Click)
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(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
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(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/8404539/

Maxine

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Herman