Chuckle 1150

Chuckle 1150
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

(Dr. Phil)

~Inner Peace~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. ***

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Chuckle 1149

Chuckle 1149
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Charles M of Bradenton FL!)


~Smart Thinking Woman~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.

She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, a lovely 2- carat engagement ring surrounded by more emeralds and a beautiful red ruby pendant. For good measure make certain I am wearing an expensive watch."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry..." ***

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Chuckle 1148

Chuckle 1148
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


(Will Rogers)
~Will Rogers' Advice~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.***
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Chuckle 1147

Chuckle 1147
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

~Oxymoron’s ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a “wise guy” opposite?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one ?

27. Christmas, what other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree, and eat candy out of your socks? ***

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Chuckle 1146

Chuckle 1146
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Satan Appeared~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was just sitting around chatting. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in h is presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
***
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Chuckle 1145

Chuckle 1145
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Human Body ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then Mary said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework...

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed." ***

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Word of the DaySaturday August 26, 2006

provender \PROV-uhn-duhr\, noun: 1. Dry food for domestic animals, such as hay, straw, corn, oats, or a mixture of ground grain; feed. 2. Food or provisions.

It turns out that he and thousands of other German immigrants have been acting as pre-invasion intelligence-gatherers, ensuring that "the German Army knew almost to a bale of hay what provender lay between London and the coast." -- Niall Ferguson, The Pity of War

Frances Trollope, Captain Marryat, Colonel Basil Hall and Charles Dickens in 1842 all commented on the way Americans wolfed down their provender as fast as possible, cramming the cornbread in their sloppy maws and, worse, doing so in grim silence, punctuated only by the noise of slurps, grunts; scraping knives and hacking coughs. -- Simon Schama, "Them and US", The Guardian, March 29, 2003
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Chuckle 1144

Chuckle 1144
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)


~MEDICARE~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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Word of the Day Friday August 25, 2006

robustious \roh-BUHS-chuhs\, adjective:
1. Boisterous; vigorous. 2. Coarse; rough; crude.

. . .the robustious romantic figure comparable to John Willoughby in Sense and Sensibility--he comes in with dash, then proves a temptation to the heroine but is an eventual disappointment. -- Stanley Kauffmann, "Emma", New Republic, August 19, 1996

When the meaning of the disturbance became clear to him he placed a hand beside his mouth and shouted: "Hey! Frank!" in such a robustious voice that the feeble clamor of the natives was drowned and silenced. -- O. Henry, Cabbages and Kings

Here he has seemingly swilled some of Falstaff's sack and has had robustious, fiery fun. -- Stanley Kauffmann, "Star-Crossed Lovers", New Republic, January 4, 1999
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Chuckle 1143

Chuckle 1143
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Nadine W of Carpinteria CA!)


~Top College Cheerleaders~
Plus; Today in History and Word for the Day


You don't have to live in the U.S. to know that FOOTBALL IS KING! But the game wouldn't be complete without the cheerleaders, and here are some of our finest: The LSU'S Golden Girls, The Alabama Crimsonettes and The University Of Michigan Wolverines.

You know the old saying....9 out of 10 girls are beautiful and the 10th one goes to the University of Michigan..... "go MSU Spartans"








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Word of the DayThursday August 24, 2006

denizen \DEN-uh-zuhn\, noun:1. A dweller; an inhabitant. 2. One that frequents a particular place.3. [Chiefly British] An alien granted certain rights of citizenship.4. An animal, plant, etc. that has become naturalized.

Goethe, who visited Berlin only once, found the "wit and irony" of its denizens quite remarkable.-- Peter Gay, My German Question

But he will know one thing about what it means to be an American, because he has known the raw continent, and not as tourist but as denizen.-- "Noted With Pleasure", New York Times,

February 2, 1992So Charlie McCreevy is a regular denizen of the "Dáil bar."-- Kathy Sheridan, "Feeling a little Bullish", Irish Times, April 22, 2000
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Chuckle 1142

Chuckle 1142
(Retha A of Richland OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Wondering About the New Look~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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Word of the Day for Wednesday August 23, 2006

expiate \EK-spee-ayt\, transitive verb:To make amends for; to atone for.

Then his devout and long-suffering widow, a princess born, built a beautiful church on the estate to expiate his sins.-- Serge Schmemann, Echoes of a Native Land

And if you have offended each other, you expiate your sins and offenses by confessing them and apologizing.-- Aung San Suu Kyi, The Voice of Hope

The characters often attempt, however futilely, to expiate their past mistakes.-- Michael Ruhlman, "A Writer at His Best.", New York Times, September 20, 1987
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Chuckle 1141

Chuckle 1141
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~Twenty Dollars~
(Plus; Today in history and word for the day.)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. ***

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Word of the Day for Tuesday August 22, 2006

tete-a-tete \TAYT-uh-TAYT; TET-uh-TET\, adjective:1. Private; confidential; familiar.
noun:1. A private conversation between two people.2. A short sofa intended to accommodate two persons.

Once you have a couple of offers in hand, ask the boss for a tete-a-tete.-- Michelle Cottle, "Seeking That Fair Day's Pay.", New York Times, January 24, 1999

George Adamski, a penny-ante guru already in the flying saucer business, lecturing on the subject and selling his own UFO photos, had his first tete-a-tete with a Venusian named Orthon, who explained by dumb show and telepathy that his saucer was powered by Earth's magnetism.-- Thomas M. Disch, The Dreams Our Stuff Is Made Of

Raw garlic will give you plenty of this disulfide, but cooking gets rid of it because it is volatile enough to evaporate during cooking. This is the reason you can safely eat a soup or stew that has lots of garlic in the recipe, and still enjoy a friendly tete-a-tete with someone.-- John Emsley, Molecules at an Exhibition
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Chuckle 1140

Chuckle 1140
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)


~ Texas Preacher~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you." So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said..........................................
>
>
>
>
>
"Hello, Darlin!!" ***

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Word of the Day for Monday August 21, 2006

vagary \VAY-guh-ree; vuh-GER-ee\, noun:An extravagant, erratic, or unpredictable notion, action, or occurrence.

Her words are a dreadful reminder that much of life's consequences are resultant of vagary and caprice, dictated by the tragedy of the ill-considered action, the irrevocable misstep, the irrevocable moment in which a terrible wrong can seem the only right.-- Rosemary Mahoney, "Acts of Mercy?", New York Times, September 13, 1998

Weather is one of the vagaries of blue-water racing, ruling the sport like a malicious jester.-- Martin Dugard, Knockdown

This thing called love was a total mystery to me, but the vagaries of passion and despair that accompanied each devotion kept my life in high drama.-- Jane Alexander, Command Performance
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Chuckle 1139

Chuckle 1139
(Carrie M and Merilee both of Sacramento get today's chuckle thanks!)

~Things to Think About~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is there another word for synonym?

Dick Lazeres: Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? ***
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Word of the Day for Sunday August 20, 2006

renege \rih-NIG; -NEG\, intransitive verb:To go back on a promise or commitment.

Today, politicians everywhere routinely renege on pledges in the belief that any problem can be solved by short-term fixes, spin-doctoring or character assassination.-- Larry Elliott, "Universal man must take responsibility for slaying Beveridge's five giants", The Guardian, January 10, 2000

But now the Senate is proposing to renege on the deal, and the governors are furious.-- By Judith Havemann, Washington Post, March 13, 1999

And George W. Bush knows from seeing his father renege on his "no new taxes" pledge how a single judgment can end up crippling a presidency.-- James Carney and Karen Tumulty, "How They Run the Show", Time, October 29, 2000
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Chuckle 1138

Chuckle 1138
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rich C in Yuma AZ!)

~How to Call the Police~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again, "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT... ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday August 19, 2006

supposititious \suh-poz-uh-TISH-uhs\, adjective:1. Fraudulently substituted for something else; not being what it purports to be; not genuine; spurious; counterfeit.2. Hypothetical; supposed.

He has threatened to write a small treatise exposing my stones as supposititious -- I should say, his stones, fashioned and fraudulently made by his hand.-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The lying stones of Wurzburg and Marrakech", Natural History, April, 1998

The major shortcoming of the woman's approach, however, is the treatment of Rose Trollope, who becomes in this version of her husband's life not the substantial figure that she must have been, but a supposititious creation, the result of unremitting conjecture and speculation.-- Janice Carlisle, "Trollope", Victorian Studies, March 1, 1995
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Chuckle 1137

Chuckle 1137
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~New Addition of Cat in the Hat~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)



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Word of the Day for Friday August 18, 2006

adumbrate \AD-uhm-brayt; uh-DUHM-\, transitive verb:1. To give a sketchy or slight representation of; to outline.2. To foreshadow in a vague way.3. To suggest, indicate, or disclose partially.4. To cast a shadow over; to shade; to obscure.

The next day, when the year that had passed had been fully gone over and the hope for the year to come had been cautiously adumbrated, the delicate moment arrived when Ben Attar had to decide how to apportion the year's profit among the three partners.-- Abraham B. Yehoshua, A Journey to the End of the Millennium

Thus, in his choice of themes and forms, Berechiah seems to promise the emergence of a new type of Jewish scholar in Christian Europe. This promise was fully redeemed in medieval Italy and Provence, but the catastrophic developments of the 13th and 14th centuries kept Jewish writing in northeastern Europe from realizing the potential adumbrated in Berechiah's work.-- Raymond P. Scheindlin, "The Punctuator and the Professor", Forward, August 30, 2002

The symbolical paintings, as they have come to be called, adumbrate a dark dream world where what seem dimly recollected circumstances, caught in their own nocturnal inertia, remain cryptic and mystifying.-- Robert Berlind, "Edwin Dickinson: waking visions", Art in America, February 2003

The letter even fixes the meeting as having taken place on October 23, which fits the chronology adumbrated by Professor Bald.-- Jeremy Bernstein, "Heaven's Net: The Meeting of John Donne and Johannes Kepler", American Scholar, Spring 1997

To create her three-dimensional composition, she variedly manipulated floor and ceiling planes so as to adumbrate virtual spaces.-- Monica Geran, "Shadow play", Interior Design, April, 2000
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Chuckle 1136

Chuckle 1136
(Pat and Judy of Florence OR get today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Good Old Days, Part 2~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!


We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! ***

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Word of the Day for Thursday August 17, 2006

fortuitous \for-TOO-uh-tuhs; -TYOO-\, adjective:1. Happening by chance; coming or occurring by accident, or without any known cause.2. Happening by a fortunate or lucky chance.3. Fortunate or lucky.

The profession, the political faith, the entire life of many men, depend on chance circumstances, on what is fortuitous, on the caprice and the unexpected turns of fate.-- Juan Valera, Pepita Jimenez

They paint, in the most magnificent colours, the order, beauty, and wise arrangement of the universe; and then ask, if such a glorious display of intelligence could proceed from the fortuitous concourse of atoms, or if chance could produce what the greatest genius can never sufficiently admire.-- David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding

But Edward Bok has always felt that he was materially helped by fortuitous conditions not of his own creation or choice.-- Edward Bok, The Americanization of Edward Bok

I was saved from arrest by the fortuitous arrival of some friends of my parents, who talked the cops into letting me go.-- Susan Molinari with Elinor Burkett, Representative Mom

I view life as a fortuitous collaboration ascribable to the fact that one finds oneself in the right place at the right time.-- Brion Gysin, The Third Mind

The site selection, three blocks west of the Chicago River, proved fortuitous in 1871, when everything east and north of the river burned down in the Great Chicago Fire.-- Richard E. Cohen, Rostenkowski: The Pursuit of Power and the End of the Old Politics
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Chuckle 1135

Chuckle 1135
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pat and Judy of Florence OR!)

~The Good Old Days, Part 1~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

TO ALL THE BRAVE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
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Word of the Day for Wednesday August 16, 2006

chary \CHAIR-ee\, adjective:1. Wary; cautious.2. Not giving or expending freely; sparing.

What do you suppose the Founding Fathers, so chary of overweening government power, would make of a prosecutor with virtually unlimited reach and a staff the size of a small town?--
"U.S. trampling rights at home and abroad", Atlanta Journal-Constitution, February 17, 1998

Investors should be chary, however, for the returns are far from sizzling.-- "The Stampede Into Variable Annuities", Fortune, October 13, 1986

Bankers, consulted as to whether or not they believed that the full force of the decline had spent its fury, were chary of predictions.-- "Leaders See Fear Waning", New York Times, October 30, 1929

When I visited Sissinghurst with my growing family she was always welcoming, eager for our news but chary of her own.-- Nigel Nicolson, Long Life
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Chuckle 1134

Chuckle 1134
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Mother of Martyr’s ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though," the mom confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's
21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mom quietly.

"Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they? ***


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Word of the Day for Tuesday August 15, 2006

arrogate \AIR-uh-gayt\, transitive verb:1. To claim or seize without right or justification; to appropriate.2. To claim on behalf of another; to ascribe.

What's certain is that another American President has arrogated to himself the prerogative of dispatching U.S. military personnel on an overseas combat mission, disregarding the constitutional mandate that only Congress may declare war.-- "Imposing 'democracy' in Haiti", The Progressive, November 1, 1994

A measure to abolish or radically restrict the ability of ministers to arrogate powers to themselves would be a necessary adjunct to the list of proposals on "open government/parliament".-- Mike Marqusee, "Stumped for success", New Statesman & Society, January 19, 1996

The most sinister dimension of this form of 'terror' was that it became an intrinsic component of Fascist and Nazi governance, executed at the behest of, and in complete subservience to, the ruling political party of the land -- which had arrogated to itself complete, total control of the country and its people.-- Bruce Hoffman, Inside Terrorism
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1133

Chuckle 1133
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Why Men Started Wearing Earrings~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started.) ***
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• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Monday August 14, 2006

fatuous \FACH-oo-uhs\, adjective:1. Inanely foolish and unintelligent; stupid.2. Illusory; delusive.

Publishers persist in the fatuous belief that a little hocus-pocus in the front flap blurb will so dazzle readers that they'll be too dazed to notice the quality of what's on the pages inside.-- "A night in the city", Irish Times, October 7, 1997

No enquiry, however fatuous or ill informed, failed to receive his full attention, nor was any irrelevant personal information treated as less than engrossing.-- Michael Palin, Hemingway's Chair

A British first amendment would support religious freedom by having nothing to do with Prince Charles's fatuous hope to be the 'defender of all the faiths', but by disestablishing the Church of England.-- Nick Cohen, "Damn them all", The Observer, October 7, 2001
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Chuckle 1132

Chuckle 1132
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)

~Ain't it the Truth ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Elaine goes to Dr. Solomon for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "140," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 175.

The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 6".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells Elaine it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!" ***

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Word of the Day for Sunday August 13, 2006

corroborate \kuh-ROB-uh-rayt\, transitive verb:To strengthen or make more certain with other evidence.

Whenever I can, I interview family and friends extensively both to corroborate the history given me by the defendant and to gain insight into his behavior and personality.-- Barbara R. Kirwin, Ph.D., The Mad, the Bad, and the Innocent: The Criminal Mind on Trial

He said that when the jurors confronted discrepancies in any of the prosecution witnesses' descriptions, they used the testimony of other prosecution witnesses to corroborate the chronology.-- "Most Jurors Thought Schwarz Aided Attack, Foreman Says", New York Times, August 2, 2002

As we have no public notoriety, no concurrent testimony, no records to support and corroborate what we deliver, it becomes us to keep within the limits not only of possibility, but of probability too.-- Henry Fielding, The History of Tom Jones
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1131

Chuckle 1131
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Is this 486-5731? ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back t o the phone.
"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ..Is this 486-5731?" ***

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Word of the Day for Saturday August 12, 2006

eremite \ER-uh-myt\, noun:A hermit, especially a religious recluse.

He is in the private cave of his freedom, an eremite, a solitary; he orders his mind as he pleases.-- Cynthia Ozick, "Writers Domestic and Demonic", New York Times, March 25, 1984
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Chuckle 1130

Chuckle 1130
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis S of Pasadena CA!)



~Five Secrets of a Perfect Relationship~ (2nd time around with new twist) Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust & doesn't lie.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed & likes being with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other. ***


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Word of the Day for Friday August 11, 2006

piebald \PY-bald\, adjective:1. Having spots and patches of black and white, or other colors; mottled.2. Mixed; composed of incongruous parts.

She remembered the piebald hair of a convicted woman, with brown roots growing through the crude bleach.-- Jan Dalley, Diana Mosley

The Reverend Joseph A. Burgess drives a station wagon whose make surely could be determined, but the car is so dilapidated--the ornamentation gone and the paint thin and piebald, as if sandblasted--that the vehicle has achieved a perfectly generic identity.-- Richard Todd, "Faith, Fear, and Farming", Civilization, June 2000

This story happened a long while ago, he said, "in those uncomfortable piebald times when a third of the people were Pagan, and a third Christian, and the biggest third of all just followed whichever religion the Court happened to profess."-- H. H. Munro (Saki), "The Story of St Vespaluus"
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)

Chuckle 1129

Chuckle 1129
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks!)


~Drunken Lady~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long!!!!! ***


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Word of the Day for Thursday August 10, 2006

animus \AN-uh-muhs\, noun:1. Basic attitude or animating spirit; disposition; intention.2. A feeling of ill will; animosity.3. In Jungian psychology, the inner masculine part of the female personality [cf. anima].

The seemingly anti-intellectual animus of the syllabus [the Syllabus of Errors, issued by Pope Pius IX in 1864] also disillusioned some converts, among them Thomas Arnold, who reverted to Anglicanism when he learned of it.-- Patrick Allitt, Catholic Converts

It is important to note also that part of Kipling's animus against the Christian missionaries in India arose from his indignation at their destructive puritanism.-- Christopher Hitchens, "A Man of Permanent Contradictions", The Atlantic, June 2002

To teach the poor chump a lesson, the media mogul steals the burglar's lucky ring, an act of scornful hauteur that brings out the animus in Dortmunder.-- Marilyn Stasio, review of M Is for Malice, by Sue Grafton, New York Times, November 10, 1996
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Chuckle 1128

Chuckle 1128
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!)


~Old Harold's In the Hospital ~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

The juice was apple juice. So you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today”

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!! ***
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• Today in history
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Word of the Day for Wednesday August 9, 2006

compunction \kuhm-PUHNK-shuhn\, noun:1. Anxiety or deep unease proceeding from a sense of guilt or consciousness of causing pain.2. A sting of conscience or a twinge of uneasiness; a qualm; a scruple.

Not only were tears one means of prayer, according to Benedict, they were the only pure form: "We must know that God regards our purity of heart and tears of compunction, not our many words."-- Tom Lutz, Crying

Yet, while Louise and Ruth and I and all our ilk are consumed by self-reproach, these two can recall not an ounce of compunction.-- Rose Shepherd, "Fatal egg by pleasure laid", Independent, September 3, 1996

If they succeeded, however, Sicily would simply come under the authority of the new revolutionary government in Naples, a government that would feel no compunctions whatsoever about saddling the island with even more "stamp duties, official papers, and forced labor" than before.-- James Fentress, Rebels and Mafiosi

I would reveal all without compunction because he is after all, my ex.-- Karen Karbo, Generation Ex
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(Find the 6 differences, answers below)