Chuckle 1180

Chuckle 1180
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Cathy B of Florence OR!)

~Going to Houston~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I’m blond, i'm beautiful, I’m going to Houston and I’m staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here.

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First class isn't going to Houston." ***

(Is this how you guys feel when talking to me??)
---Cathy---
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Chuckle 1179

Chuckle 1179
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)
~Ole and Lena~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said "Where are you?" Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street." The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K." ***
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Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'" The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale" ***

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Chuckle 1178

Chuckle 1178
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Bishop & the Donkey~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer! ***

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Chuckle 1177

Chuckle 1177
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Bev L of Florence OR!)

Self portrait of Vincent Van Gogh
~Van Gogh’s Family Tree~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

If you don’t get some of these say them out loud.

His dizzy aunt -----------------------------------Verdi Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -----------------------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ----Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------U Gogh

The cousin from Illinois -------------------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ----------------------------- A mee Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach------------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------ Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ------------------------------ E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin -------------------------------Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking --------------- Way-to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ------------------------------ Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van ---Winnie Bay Gogh And there ya Gogh! ***
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Chuckle 1176

Chuckle 1176
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Light a Candle~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How i s yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow up yer damn candle." ***
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Chuckle 1175

Chuckle 1175
(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA of get today's chuckle thanks!)


~My 5 New Boyfriends! ~

I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves, Art Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him: "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself:

"Now, what am I here after?"

'' What a Wonderful Day to be Alive ‘‘ ***
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~Magic Mirror~

I'm trying to find out which Wal-Mart sells this mirror!!!

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Chuckle 1174

Chuckle 1174
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA!)

~Tech at the Rifle Range~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was completely blown off: The Microsoft tech yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!" ***

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~Travel Conversation~

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, so let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
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Chuckle 1173

Chuckle 1173
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks!)

~Counting Cows and Calves~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

"Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give back my calf?"


The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog. ***

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Chuckle 1172

Chuckle 1172
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Buttocks~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek. ***


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While on the subject of buttocks here is a Chinese proverb you might like: Man who scratch bun should not bite fingernails!
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Chuckle 1171

Chuckle 1171
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Dean O of Florence OR!)

~Valerie~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.



After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know,” the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney.

She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer ***


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Answer: Bird feet, flower, rope, dog tooth, cat tail and bug.

Chuckle 1170

Chuckle 1170
(Sunny Mary of Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)

Electric Cars Killing Millions!

~Headlines from the Year 2029~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile. ***

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Chuckle 1169

Chuckle 1169
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Marlene W of Florence OR!)

~Cuckoo Clock~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock on the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock" When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. S--t,", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted." ***

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Chuckle 1168

Chuckle 1168
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Nadine W of Carpinteria CA!)

~Monastery Life~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the very first copy, it would never be picked up!????????? In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you do make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He finds the old monk banging his head against the wall and wailing: "We missed the 'R'!, we missed the 'R' !"

His forehead is all bloodied and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "Oh, no! The word was...

CELEBRATE!!!" ***





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Chuckle 1167

Chuckle 1167
(Joyce K of Queen Creek AZ gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Doctor Doctor~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "You’ve been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see." "That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
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(Ready for this?)
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(I'm warning you.....)
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(Still not too late....delete now!)
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"You're simply going through the change! ***
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Chuckle 1166

Chuckle 1166
(Jayne C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~Irish Prostitute~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)


An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied,

"Sniff, sniff.... dad.... I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!" ***

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Chuckle 1165

Chuckle 1165
(Today's chuckle thanks go to GGBG of Florence OR!)

~Four Little Animals~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "What four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A Mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a Tiger in the bed and a Jackass to pay for it all."

The teacher fainted. ***
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~Free Sex with Fill-Up~ (2nd time around)

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week." ***
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Chuckle 1164

Chuckle 1164
(Charles M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks!)

~SEX ~

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birthcontrol and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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~CHURCH~

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"
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Chuckle 1164

Chuckle 1163
(Dick L of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks!)




~Redneck Humor~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,

"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

A documentary.

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Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.

He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says "Bout what?"
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Two Mississippians are walking down different ends

Of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.

When they meet one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"Okay Ummmmm . . Five?" ***

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Chuckle 1162

Chuckle 1162
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Pam S in Roseville CA!)

Jay Leno
~Hilarious First Date~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
(This is a little long but it gets better and better as you read.)

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.

They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment.. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off. ***

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Chuckle 1161

Chuckle 1161
(Today's chuckle thanks go to Rick R of Surrey BC!)

Paul Newman

~Always Appear in Control~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

It is a true story ... A Michigan woman and her family was vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby- blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You’re a happily married woman with three children; you're forty- five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change - but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?
Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."
***
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Chuckle 1160

Chuckle 1160
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~Cooking With Bacon Grease ~
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Immediately---SCARY!

The question is: Do you use bacon grease?

We were raised on bacon grease as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore. I just threw out my last 2 TBS. of bacon grease!!

This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
It could happen to you... (See picture below.)

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Bacon Grease User

Chuckle 1159

Chuckle 1159
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks!)


~The Perfect Wal-Mart Greeter~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins... Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice." ***

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Chuckle 1158

Chuckle 1158
(Rich and Flo C of Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks!)


~Will He Jump~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History and Word for the Day)

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering
a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on
the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier
on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...... ***

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Chuckle 1157

Chuckle 1157
(Today's chuckle thanks go to George H of Florence OR!)


~Texas Blind Man~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day and 6 Differences.)

Texas Blind Man There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don’t flush!" ***

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