Chuckle 2074

Chuckle 2074
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Water

VS.

Wine

~Wine vs. Water ~
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

To my friends who enjoys a glass of wine, and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming
1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor), because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

Please consider the environment before printing this email þ

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Chuckle 2073

Chuckle 2073
(Elva B of Coldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Adam in the Beginning


~ How Adam Got Eve~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you .

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

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.

Chuckle 2072

Chuckle 2072
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The Picnic ~
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)


A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4 th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

~The Usher~


An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired... "No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

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Chuckle 2071

Chuckle 2071
(Bev L of Mount Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~The old motor ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of the third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'it's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black."

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Chuckle 2070

Chuckle 2070
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Floor nurse on phone.

~HOW IS NORMA? ~ (2nd time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.

She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302..' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and Her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'

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Chuckle 2069

Chuckle 2069
(Marlene W of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Persimmons ~


~Persimmons ~(2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it... The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said.....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
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Chuckle 2068

Chuckle 2068
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Clock Humor. ~
(2nd time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls. 'I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m.., a bit loaded, I headed for home.. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him... (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ' MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem angry in the least... Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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Chuckle 2067

My DSL box has suffered a brake down; the computer is working on wireless now.

Chuckle 2067
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Headstone for a man who knew what he wanted.

~Jim died. ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?'

Scroll down




>

>

>

>



Big stone

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Chuckle 2066

Chuckle 2066
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Remember Hollywood Squares? ~
Here are just a few, Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine.)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do it,' 'I can help,' and 'I can't get enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming

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Chuckle 2065

Chuckle 2075
Taken from my blog's Feb 2006 Archives as
Chuckle 961 (Feb 22nd 2006)
Goldie C of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Note: You can't help laughing out loud at this one. This poor guy really takes a beating! ---Jerry---
Cat about to pounce.



~Here Kitty, Kitty~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done- that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this? ***

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Chuckle 2064

Chuckle 2064
(Phyllis and Chet S of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)


~Albert~
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving three-year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here -- hang in there." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes out side where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Stevie."

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Loading wounded men. If they complete this mission they will have had a
(great day)

Chuckle 2063

Chuckle 2063
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~ Little Johnny at a Horse Auction~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

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Chuckle 2062

Chuckle 2062
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~New Sign~ (2nd time around)
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

A gas station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex..

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time..'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

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Note: Hey everybody I got my $250 Stimulus Package but for some reason I don't feel very stimulated. I am also getting $62 more in my retirement check monthly because they take out less income tax.
Watch out next spring; we'll be paying more income tax because of added income now. I can hardly wait to see what they are going to give me next. ---Jerry---


(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2061

Chuckle 2061
(Brenda N of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~DEEPLY PROFOUND THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE ICE FISHING~
Two men are ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole.
Just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

(Ice Fishing) I wonder how they get back to shore?

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish Bob says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in two months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, and then thoughtfully says
" You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."
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Chuckle 2060

Chuckle 2060
(Rich and Flo C. of Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks.)


~When I Say I'm Broke - I'm Broke! ~
(Also: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, Maxine.)

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this here vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, "cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

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A rock, off the coast of Greenwood (Canadian Military Labrador Helicopter)

I suppose that after this experience you might need to
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