Chuckle 2126

Chuckle 2126
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Two Catholic Parrots..~ (2nd time around)
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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Chuckle 2025

Chuckle 2025
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Only a Golfer will Appreciate these~
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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!!!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

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Chuckle 2024

Chuckle 2024
(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)

A note to wife left on refrigerator door by husband.


~Why Men Shouldn't Take Messages ~
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Chuckle 2023

Chuckle 2023
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~'Want Anything While I'm In the Kitchen?'~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help they remember... Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure... .' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

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Chuckle 2122

Chuckle 2122
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Katie's Breaking News

~Breaking News!! ~
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NEWS!! To save the economy in 2009 Obama will start deporting all of the old people in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. I started crying when I thought of you. Run, my friend, RUN !

Well....what can I say.....someone sent it to me, and I'm not going alone!!!!

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Chuckle 2121

Chuckle 2121
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Paul McCartney's Lexus Hybrid

~Painting the Porch ~ (2nd time around)
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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the$50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. 'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

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Chuckle 2120

Chuckle 2120
(Jack S of Santa Cruz CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Spike

~Don't Talk To My Parrot! ~ (2nd time around)
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot"

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"


See - Men just don't listen !

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Chuckle 2119

Chuckle 2119
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

I couldn't find a Pic.of a mechanic in shorts. ---Jerry---

~UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!! ~ (2nd time around)
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Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.

She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head..

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Chuckle 2118

Chuckle 2118
(Bev L of Mount Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

2 Old Guys Talking

~SUV~
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and 6 differences.)

Two old guys were chatting.....

One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!"

First guy:
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

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Chuckle 2117

Chuckle 2117
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Bull in the pasture

~Best Blonde Joke Ever ~ (2nd time around)
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.

She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

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Chuckle 2116

Chuckle 2116
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Erma getting a Physical Examination
~Annual Physical Examination~ (A new one)
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After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was such a hush you could hear a pin drop. Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times...What we have is Blue Cross!"

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Chuckle 2115

Chuckle 2115
(Gwenda B of Junction City OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



Offering (2nd time around)
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.

"Why yes", she replied, "Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed, "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian", she answered.

"Veterinary medicine is an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money", the pastor responded. Then he asked, "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

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When you weigh less you're
Bound to (Have a great day)
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Chuckle 2114

Chuckle 2114
(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~You Gotta Watch What You Say ~
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A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.

The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's behind." Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking the guy off his bar stool, then stomps out. He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.

Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's behind, too!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.

He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama country"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country."
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Chuckle 2113

Chuckle 2113
(Lora S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Actual house wife smiling!

~West Virginia Wife~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope, and Maxine,

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Montana and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Oregon. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from West Virginia. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

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Chuckle 2112

Chuckle 2112
(Pam S of Roseville CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



BEWARE OF UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!! (2nd time around)
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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !


You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.

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