Chuckle 2255

Chuckle 2255
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~The Stranded Irishman ~ (2nd time around)(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship" As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,” that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. “‘Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
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Chuckle 2254

Chuckle 2254
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Young, very big- busted organist.

~Church Problem~(2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big- busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday."

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Chuckle 2253

Chuckle 2253
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Last child Support Check! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Today be my baby girl 18th birthday. I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get here, I say, “Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettinl from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the ‘spression on yo mama face'’ So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the , spression on her face. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, ‘'Now what yo momma say ‘bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy", and watch the ‘seression on Yo face" !!!

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Chuckle 2253

Chuckle 2253
(Nicky H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~New Super Market in Florida~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,)

A new public supermarket opened in Hudson, Florida.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department has the sound of a bottle of champagne popping the cork, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

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(Kids are quick from Charlie M of Bradenton FL)

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this kid) __________________________________________

Have a Swell Day!

Chuckle 2252

Chuckle Classics 2252
( Mary S of Los Osos CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)
From my archives Aug 3rd 2003

This is my Blacky Cat; he has a white tummy and weighs 15 pounds,

He loves to knock people over with his tail!

Chuckle 60
~Is the Cat There? ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)
:
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

Just as he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

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Chuckle 2251

Chuckle 2251
(Rich and Flo in Yuma AZ get today's chuckle thanks.)

"Merry Christmas to You All"

~Pray for Leroy~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you." Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,” Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!" _______________________________________________________________

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Kids are quick from Charlie M back in Bradenton FL!

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct.. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2250

Chuckle 2250
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Fishing Flies

~Camping Trip~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)


Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a black, brand new see-through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed were handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "do what ever you want.......

So here I am."

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Chuckle 2248

Chuckle 2248
(Dean O of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Sick Leave ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the cubicle wall and made funny noises.

My blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good god are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb. He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

My co-worker followed me, and the Boss asked her, '...And where do you think you're going?!'

'You can't possibly expect me to work in the dark!'

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Chuckle 2247

Chuckle 2247
(Chet and Phyllis S of Pasadena CA get today's chuckle thanks.)

~GOODBYE MOM ~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Hope this touches you the way it touched me! GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $ $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

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Why some boys need parents!

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2246

19 S
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25th X’MAS






Chuckle 2246
(Nadine Walsh of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)
I pulled this one out of my archives (July 20th 2003)


Chuckle 48 ~Military Chuckles~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Give credit to Nadine (Cookie) Walsh of Carpinteria, CA.
for the chuckles!

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new
Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked
on the office door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly pickedup the phone, told the airman to enter, then said intothe phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this after-noon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the youngenlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm justhere to hook up your telephone."
****************************************************************************

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.They were both just getting finished with their shaves, whenthe barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! Mywife will think I've been in a Red Light District!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and putit on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a house in aRed Light District smells like."****************************************************************************
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Chuckle 2245

18 F
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25th X’MAS

Chuckle 2245
(Charlie M Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~TALIBAN & A JEW~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Begin forwarded message: A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.' Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

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Why some boys need parents

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2244

17 TH
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25th X’MAS

Getting closer.

Chuckle 2244
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Little Johnny’s at it again~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, another girl Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny: "TIGER WOODS...... CAN I GO NOW?"

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Chuckle 2243

1X3 Sun
1X4 Mon
1X5 T
1X6 W
17 TH
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25th X’MAS

Only 9 days left folks!

Chuckle 2243
(Elva B of Caldwell ID gets today's chuckle thanks.)

`~Subject: Baptizing an Irishman~` (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,
And Xmas count down!

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No,

I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No,

I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

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(Are you ready for this????)

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The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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Garbage bags do not make good parachutes!

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving!
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11 days left, you had better get with it!
15 T
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25th X’MAS


Chuckle 2242
(Phyllis H of Carpinteria CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Pastor's Business Card ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.’

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

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Chuckle 2241

Chuckle 2241
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Paddy and the Priest~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Why some boys need parents

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2240

Chuckle 2240
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)
2oz bottle of Jim Beam used on airlines

~Choice~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
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