Chuckle 2046

Chuckle 2046
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Nanny with kid

~Senior Travelers~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope.)


A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection ---Jerry---)



_________________________________________________

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2045

Chuckle 2045
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

BITCHES TO THE END.....
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)


The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk
into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.

I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber... There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,

'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,'

"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.'

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )

(Maxine from my own collection ---Jerry---)


___________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 2044

Chuckle 2044
(Rich C of Yuma AZ gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~JUST LIKE A MAN!!! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope

Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really
wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a
single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the
evening when she got home from work.

So, being the handy sort of guy that I was,
I made her a riding lawnmower.

I guess I thought she would squeal with delight
and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand
why women are so hard to please.



______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection ---Jerry---)




(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2043

Chuckle 2943
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Black Magic~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope.)

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'

Damn women they think of everything!!!!

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

_______________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection ---Jerry---)



_________________________________________________

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2042

Chuckle 2042
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

On the Road Again

Seniors on Road Trip
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

"While on a road trip, Joyce and Les stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, Joyce unknowingly left her sun glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, Les became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded Joyce relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up.

To Joyce's relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As she got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, Les (the old geezer) yelled to her. 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!'

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
______________________________________________________
(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection ---Jerry---)



(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 2041

Chuckle 2041
(Nadine W of Carpinteria gets today's chuckle thanks.)

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A BIRD
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope.)

This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference Between Male and Female Birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically. Until Now.

Below are Two Birds. Study them closely...See If You Can Spot Which of The Two Is the Female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills.

*


*


*


*


*


*




(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection ---Jerry---)





(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2040
(Audrey A of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Sent: Sunday February 1, 2001 3:17 PM.


~NUNS~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

A group on nuns is traveling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out
and try to change it but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver opened to change it for them.
They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from tieback.
''Son-of-a-bitch,'' he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, ''That is not nice language. We understand that
you are upset but you mustn't use such language.

''Sorry, Sisters'' he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost
mashing his fingers. '' Son-of-a-bitch'' he yelled again.

''Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so,
it would be better if you didn't help us

''But l get so upset, and it just comes out"

''Well,'' said the nun, ''say something else when you get upset, something like
'Sweet Jesus help me.''

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say
''So.....'' but he corrected himself and said, ''Sweet Jesus help me.

At that, the car lifted up into the air by itself, the nuns looked at the car and
said, ''Son-of-a-bitch! ''

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from
http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxine from my own collection ---Jerry---)


_______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 2039

Chuckle 2039
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Barber Chair~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chairs eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The barber smiles at her and says, ''Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie. ''

I know '' she replies. ''I'm gonna get tits too!"

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)



________________________________________________________
~Just for a laugh~



"Have a Fun Day"
______________________________________________________________

Chuckle 2038

Chuckle 2038
(Linda M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Hellmann's Mayonnaise~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope and 6 differences.)

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. <>The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,

As Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me? ---Jerry---

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)



(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 2037

Chuckle 2037
(George H of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Transferring To Detroit...
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit...
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to Detroit, there are crazy people there.

They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor,
public schools and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad
as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business; enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.

I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"'Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)

______________________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 2036

Chuckle 2036
(Phyllis S of Pasadena CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~FBI test~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope.)

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)

_____________________________________________________

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2035

Chuckle 2035
(Anonymous of? gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Received Friday, December 21, 2001 5:56 PM


~Dentist! ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

A man visits his dentist and complains that his brand new upper plate has disintegrated. Ben the dentist asks what he has been eating, the man says he loves Hollandaise sauce and eats it every day.
Hearing this, the dentist explains that the lemon Juice in the Hollandaise sauce is the culprit because in acidic corrodes the plate material.
The dentist, a Hollandaise sauce lover himself, is sympathetic and says he will make the man a replacement plate out of chrome for nothing.
The patient is thankful but curious and asks," Why chrome?''

To this question the dentist replies, are you ready for this? Scroll Down
>

>

>

>

>

Because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
______________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)

_______________________________________________

(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 2034

Chuckle 2034
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)
This was sent to me 12-21-01


~Putting on Pants~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope.)

Jack was going to be married to Jill, his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says: ''Jack let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, l took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, try these on'. So she did and said, 'these are too big I can't wear them'. I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always willed Ever since that night we have never had any problems''

Jack says', Hmmmm...He thinks this might be a good thing to try.
So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to JiII: ''Here try these on.

So she does and says, 'they are too Iarge, they don't fit mean Jack says:

''Exactly, l wear the pants in this fairyland I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.

Jill stops for a second, then takes off her panties and hands them to Jack. She says: ''Here, you try on mine.

So he does and says! "I can't get into your pants."

Jill says: ''Exactly, and if you don't change your attitude, you never will!''

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)



(Have a great day)
_______________________________________

Chuckle 2033

Chuckle 2033
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Was sent to me on 4-3-01

~OVERWEIGHT BLONDE ~ 4-15
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

"When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds."

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'LL tell you, though; I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)



(Find the Six Differences, Answers below)

Chuckle 2032

Chuckle 2032
(Gwenda B of Junction City OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~First Class to Houston ~ 2nd time around
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope
and 6 differences.)

The plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down...

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this... I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston ... This email was cleaned by email stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
_________________________________________________________________

(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)




_________________________________________________________

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2031

"Happy Easter to You ALL"
---Jerry---

Chuckle 2031
(Carrie M of Sacramento CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~Baptizing a Drunk~ (2nd time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today's Horoscope.)

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is overcome by the smell of booze whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.

He pulls him out of the water and asks again,

'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, Are you sure this is where he fell in?

This email was cleaned by email Stripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm


(Click Today in History and learn.)
. Today in history
______________________________________________________

(Sharpen your vocabulary by clicking Word for the Day)
(Word for the Day)
________________________________________________________

(For today's Horoscope click Today's Horoscope)
Today's Horoscope )
________________________________________________________

(Maxines from my own collection ---Jerry---)



_____________________________________________________

"Have a great day"