Chuckle 2282

Chuckle 2282
(Unknown source gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Picture of unknown source, do you know this guy?

~Early dismissal~(2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?

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(Larry’s Proverbs sent in by Joyce K of Florence AZ.)

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2281

Chuckle 2281
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Grandma's Birth Control Pills~ (2nd Time around)
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life. He finally retired.

At the lady's next checkup, her new doctor told her to bring in all of her medications that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

The young doctor said, "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." she replied. "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep," said the doctor. The lady then reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks...and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
Grandma's...you gotta love 'em!

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Chuckle 2280

Chuckle 2280
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Fathers Deal With Son~ (2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

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(Larry’s Proverbs sent in by Joyce K of Florence AZ.)


3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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Chuckle 2279

Chuckle 2279
(Cathy B of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

This one is for everyone who... a) has kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) knows a kid e) is going to have kids. I guess that means all of us!!

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my booger?

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Chuckle 2278

Chuckle 2278
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~1+2 = 3~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.... Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, Flash cards, special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise; Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no... 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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(Maxine on Winter from Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA.)

This is the last one in the set from Bev L. If anyone has another new set please send them to me. ---Jerry---

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(Larry’s Proverbs sent in by Joyce K of Florence AZ.)

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers..

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Chuckle 2277

Chuckle 2277
(Nicky H of Florence OR and Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA get today's chuckle thanks.)

~Penguins~ (I didn't know that!!)
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


Wonder no more!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

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Chuckle 2275

Chuckle 2276
From chuckle classic no. 424
Sent to me by George H of Florence OR on Aug.17 2004

~THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND ~(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,


After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your Dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

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(Why, Why, Why? From Charlie M of Bradenton FL)

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
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Chuckle 2275

Chuckle 2275
(Gwenda B of Junction City OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~SLOW DAY IN TEXAS ~
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and 6 differences.)

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night... As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

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Chuckle 2274

Chuckle 2274
(Brenda N of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Taxi Driver~ (2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Just a tap on the shoulder

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry; it's entirely my fault! Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

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(Maxine on Winter from Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA.)

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(Funny Doctor Stories From Pat M)

A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2273

Chuckle 2273
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~An Old Pilot~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

Ya think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.


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Crypt 2272

Chuckle 2272
(Charlie M of Bradenton FL gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Is sex WORK? ~ (2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them." The room fell silent. GOD BLESS THE ENLISTED MAN!

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(Maxine on Winter from Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA.)


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(Funny Doctor Stories From Pat M)

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

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Chuckle 2271

Chuckle 2271
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~100 MILE AN HOUR GOAT ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

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(Maxine on Winter from Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA.)


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Chuckle 2270

Chuckle 2270
(Linda M of Eugene OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Highway Traffic Signs~ (2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Parked on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back seat. All of them are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 127."

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Doctor Funnies from Pat M of Florence OR

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one, I asked? The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it! I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA.
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2269

Chuckle 2269
(Bev. L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Unfriendly Receptionist~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

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Chuckle 2268

Chuckle 2268
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Gynecological Visit ~ (2nd time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said..

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl," the woman continued.


"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were dimes. This morning, there were quarters!"


"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

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(Ready for this?)

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(I'm warning you.....)

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(Still not too late.....delete now!)


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"You're simply going through the change!"


DON'T BLAME ME. I JUST FORWARD THE CHUCKLES
I DON’T WRITE THEM. ---BEV---

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(Kids are quick from Charlie M of Bradenton FL)

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher!
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2267

Chuckle 2267
(Nancy S of Sheridan WY gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Stranded~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

That's what you call, "PROFESSIONAL COURTESY "
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