Chuckle 2331

Chuckle 2331
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Why I fired my Secretary~ (2nd Time around)
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! ‘It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment; it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,

' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...


On the couch...

Naked.



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Things I didn't know - or had forgotten

I didn't know!!!! "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed
with only the left hand.
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And "lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2329

Chuckle 2329
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~FATHER OF THE YEAR~(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Wish I could think so quickly.

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(Why, Why, Why? From Charlie M of Bradenton FL)


In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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Chuckle 2328

Chuckle 2328
(Stevan S of Craig IS. Alaska. Located out from Ketchikan gets today's chuckle thanks.)

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.


Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ..... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED !!'
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Chuckle 2327

Chuckle 2327
(Rick R of Surrey BC gets today's chuckle thanks.)



~The Outhouse.~ (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies,” There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"


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(Why, Why, Why? From Charlie M of Bradenton FL)

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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(Have a great day

Chuckle 2326

Chuckle 2326
(Anon, gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Chuckle Number 1~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)
.
Some of Mr. Chuckles fans asked me to publish chuckle number 1.
I don’t think they thought I could go back that far! Anyway here it is in all its glory.


It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd getto know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers
did for a living. The first little girl said, "My name is Mary and my daddy is apostman." The next little boy said, "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." It was then little Johnny's turn and he said, "My name is Johnnyand my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasped and quickly moved on, but later, in the schoolyard, the teacher approaches Johnny privately and asks if it was reallytrue that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. Little Johnny blushed and said, "No, he's really a guitar playerfor the Dixie Chicks, but I was too

embarrassed to say so."

Dixie Chicks

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Chuckle 2325

Chuckle 2325
(Bev L of Mt. Vernon WA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Moped ~ (2nd Time around) (Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

An elderly man on a Moped, Looking about 100 years old, Pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car And asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

2010 Ferrari

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... But I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds. The speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator And takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari All the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped Bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows Into the back of his Ferrari, Demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers,
"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

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(Why, Why, Why? From Charlie M of Bradenton FL)

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2324

Chuckle 2324
(Sheila M of Rough and Ready CA gets today's chuckle thanks.)

(From my Archives) Chuckle 263
~Alternate Punishment~ (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)


Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children. Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control Wade when he has one of "those moments." One that I found very effective is for me to just take him for a car ride and talk to him. He usually calms down and stops misbehaving after our little car ride together. I've included the photo below of one of our sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.


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Chuckle 2324

Chuckle 2324
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Prayer for Grandpa ~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer Amen."



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(Why, Why, Why? From Charlie M of Bradenton FL)

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something
new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

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Chuckle 2323

Chuckle 2323
(Another Anon sender gets today's chuckle thanks.)
Chuckle 7 (From my Archives) Sent in June 2003

Clothe moths
~Bug man out of control!!~ (2nd Time around)
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and 6 differences.)

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when the husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into thecloset!", and she pushed him in the closet, starknaked. The husband, however, became suspicious andafter a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator."What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied."And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said,” Those little bastards!"_
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Chucke 2322

Chuckle 2322 is Chuckle 17 from my archives Sent on June 9th 2003.
(Anon gets today's chuckle thanks.)


Chuckle 17(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

Rereading old jokes can be fun, here’s a good example!

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?' "
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

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(Why, Why, Why? From Charlie M of Bradenton FL)

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2321

Chuckle 2321
(Keith K of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Cats

~The Veterinarian~ (2nd Time around) (Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine, and 6 differences.)

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope o n the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno’
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Chuckle 2320

Chuckle 2320
(Stevan S of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)


~Two Idiot Sightings~
(Also; Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, and Maxine,

IDIOT AT SEARS: WE had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears Repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two. We haven't used Sears repair since.

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IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor Call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by Cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

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(Facts about the human body! From Stevan S of Florence OR.)

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

You say you don’t remember the thumb fact! Well here it is;
The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

(Have a great day)

Chuckle 2319

Chuckle 2319
(Mac M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

Hotel room door.

~The Undertaker's Black Eye ~
(Plus: Today in History, Word for the Day, Today’s Horoscope, Maxine,
and 6 differences.)

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

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Chuckle 2318

Chuckle 2318
(Pat M of Florence OR gets today's chuckle thanks.)

~Dog for Sale~

Dog for Sale Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or sexual predators left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew him as 'Holyshit!'

See Photo Below

>


>


>


>


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